Join the Family Business

My dad is a retired elementary teacher.
My mom is a retired elementary teacher.
My grandmother taught elementary school for a bit.
My sister has an elementary teaching credential.
I fought becoming a teacher for so long, but it's hard to fight something that has been surrounding you your entire life. You could say it's in my blood. And yes, I teach elementary school.

But teaching is just what I do, it's not what I am. What I am is a performer. With education so deeply rooted in my genetics, this performance tendency must be a fluke, right? Maybe not quite.

I grew up not only as the daughter of two teachers, but also as the daughter of a musician. My father's love for music is something very valuable that he has passed on to me. He taught me and showed me how to appreciate music, and the importance of challenging myself.

Teaching was just something my father did, but what my father is is a musician. During his teaching career, he brought his guitar into his classroom. He made time to be in a band. He 'jammed' with buddies. And for the past 20 years, he has been a constant fixture in our church's praise band as both a guitar player and drummer.

Dad and I singing at church camp-1993ish

When my dad retired from teaching, he had plans for his music. He was going to perform. He spent money on equipment, he put together a demo CD, he took voice lessons. He started getting gigs at retirement centers and such. But now, he is playing at farmer's markets, private parties and in downtown Visalia!

So yes, teaching is what I do...but what I am is a feather duster, a cloth merchant, a prostitute, a naval nurse, a scientist, a wardrobe consultant, and whatever else I want to be!

One step forward, two steps back...and a few to the side.

You know when you walk into a room, and you can't remember why? So you retrace your steps and hope that something along your journey back in time will jog your memory.

Walking into a room with an intended purpose is forward motion, but once you've entered that room your purpose is unable to be fulfilled, and you're forced to move backwards yet again. That is how I feel right now.

This whole year teaching third grade has been like walking into a room and completely forgetting what I actually needed. But instead of retracting my steps, I just kept searching fruitlessly with no memory what I was actually looking for. I had no purpose for teaching third grade. Then life forced me to retrace my steps...

I will be walking into a new room in the Fall, and I pray that I know exactly why from the second I walk in.

I feel put through the ringer. I have been made to feel unsupported, unwanted, ignored and insignificant. Those are not feelings that come from forward motion, those are HUGE steps backwards.

I have also taken some sideways steps. Not off-the-path steps, just lateral motion. The type of lateral motion that makes a first-year intern think it's okay to audition for a musical. And that it's okay to accept the offer to be a part of a very small and extremely versatile ensemble featured in nearly every number. And that it's okay to take on the added responsibility of dance captain. And that it's okay to offer to help hunt for costumes and sew some too. Even though she is still working on TPAs and needs to pass the RICA. So a little bit off-the-path. (But our show is going to be awesome!!)

#thestruggleisreal

It has been over two years since my last post, and I wish I could say that so much has changed...but not really.

I have a new job...but I still feel 'stuck'
I have a new address...but I still don't have a 'home'

I still whine about the same things, I still run away to Disneyland, and I still live too far away from Broadway shows.

So why am I writing now? Well, if my life were a sitcom, today's episode would be called 'A Hardware's Night' or 'Hardware Times Come Again No More' or some other cutesy play on words that would accompany the events that led to the minor freak out I had at the hardware store today.

I am a girl. I am single girl. I am a single girl that sheds like a golden retriever. My hair gets everywhere, and all of the sudden my shedding has caused my bathroom sink to drain v e r y  s l o w l y...

There was a product that my dad used to use in my bathroom sink when I lived at home, since this product unclogged the sink I shared with my equally shedding sister, I figured it was strong enough to fix my clog as well! But this industrial strength hair-dissolver, sink-unclogger stuff isn't something a person can just buy at Target, I had to go to a hardware store.

I feel I'm decently equipped when it comes to minor household fixes. Just yesterday, I helped my dad with a light fixture at my parents' house, but walking into that hardware store made me feel like a stupid little girl.

I didn't know where to look, what to look for, who to ask or what to ask for. I just felt so helpless and idiotic. Part of me was angry because I'm a feminist and I should know these things just as well as any man, but part of me was upset because I'm single and I don't have a husband to take care of this stuff for me.

This has been the identity crisis I've been struggling with for years...I need to know this stuff, but I don't want to need to know this stuff. Any of it. Unclogging sinks, fixing lights, getting my oil changed or my tires rotated...I don't want to be helpless, I just want to be helped out!

When Will I Be Loved?

The other day I made one of my frequent, off-hand comments about being single. There was probably an eHarmony commercial on or something. I hate those commercials, mostly because I seriously doubt that guys my age are signing up for internet dating...and even if they were, I'm fairly plain looking, and I can hardly justify paying monthly dues for what I can experience for free in real life. I don't need to spend money to be looked over, even if I had the money to spend. Anyway, my mother chided me about being so cynical. She mentioned that I may meet "someone" at my friend's wedding in March, a comment which caused me to scoff. Psh, as if anyone would want to "meet" me. It's been the same thing at every friend's wedding I've been to for the last 5 years. Each one is becoming exceedingly more and more like Noah's Ark...everyone is already two by two, and I'm like the last lone unicorn. 

And why wouldn't I scoff? Why should I be anything but cynical regarding the topic of dating? I don't have any positive experiences to link to the idea of romantic love. As Linda Ronstadt sings "I've been made blue, I've been lied to, when will I be loved?" For the most part, my 'relationships' have been more about rejection and loneliness. My last actual relationship was eight years ago. EIGHT. And I'm expected to remain optimistic about this matter? How can I? 

Generally speaking, I am a fairly positive and optimistic person; but generally speaking, I have had positive experiences in most areas of my life: school, work, friends, etc. This is one area of my life where the bad experiences are far more vast than the one positive experience.

Maybe I sound like I've given up, and maybe I have given up. It's just too exhausting to remain idealistic about it...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Okay, in my last post I was all "going to Thailand...brb". And I've been back for four months. I fail at being interesting enough for a blog.
Every time I start to talk about my trip, I get very overwhelmed. I experienced so many different, life-changing things while in Thailand...some good, some notsomuch good.
I rode an elephant
I released floating lanterns (very Tangled)
I hugged orphans
I prayed for tribespeople with various ailments (such as polio)
I painted a bathroom
I danced a traditional Thai dance on stage with my fellow travelers
I stuck my feet in an aquarium and had little fishies nibble my dead skin off
I snorkeled
I took a prayer walk through a street lined with brothels
I hiked in the Himalayas
I ate A LOT of rice (SO. MUCH. RICE.)
I went to Burma
I laughed
I cried
I bled
I worshiped God in a new language
I experienced rain in a way I never had before
I showered in the dark with a gecko
I conquered the language barrier by just smiling at people and pointing a lot (I can also count to 10, and say "hello" and "thank you")
I taught English at a Thai school
...and I did it all without getting Malaria, Encephalitis, or Typhoid!

Now that I'm back, I wish I could say that my life is 100% different than it was before I left, but I've slipped back into old routines. Yes, the experience changed my life, but as I am currently working two jobs, serving as a worship leader and pursuing my teaching credential, I hardly have time to do laundry and take care of myself...I feel guilty that I'm not leading a whole new life, and I hate that 'busy' is my excuse...I hope that once I've got my credential, a stable teaching job (with benefits and an actual living wage) and the time and resources to do so, I'll be able to go back. I want my life to reflect the opportunities I've been given, instead of complaining about the amount of work I have to do.

I'm Leaving On A Jet Plane

Going to Thailand

Be back in three weeks

Peace out, America...adventure calls!

Picture Day

So I started this little project as a way to document adventure...but it really has turned into a sounding board for all the embarrassing, awkward, and slightly pathetic things that happen to me. These are my stories (dundun). Here is a pathetic little gem to make you chuckle, I have to laugh at it too...
Every few years our church puts out a new photo directory, pictures of the families, contact information, etc. As I was signing up to have my picture taken for our directory I had the following conversation with one of the older women who were manning the sign up table
Woman: "Are you going to be taking your photo all by yourself?"
Me: "Yes"
Woman: "Do you have a pet, like a dog or a kitty or something you want to have in the photo with you?"
Me: "Nope, it's just me"
Woman: "Well, it won't always be, dear."

Really?

Seriously?