Life is a Cabaret

I am currently in a production of Kander and Ebb's musical of Cabaret. I play Fraulein Kost with the added bonus of getting to also dance in the Kit Kat Klub.
As a dancer, I have been itching to sink my character shoes into a show with some serious Fosse-style choreo, so when I heard that a local community theater was going to take on Cabaret, I knew I had to go for it. I thought I would land among the dancers, as I almost always do...so I was surprised to land the sizable supporting role of Fraulein Kost. This musical is unlike anything I have ever done before. My character is seriously reprehensible. She is sexy, though I play her with my signature touch of humor.

Here is a list of things that Fraulein Kost is:
-A prostitute with a long list of sailors as clients
-A dancer in a seedy night club
-A self-serving and manipulative 'witchy-poo with a B'
-A Nazi sympathizer

Here is a list of things that I am:
-A preschool teacher
-A person whose heart bleeds for 'the least of these'
-A caring friend
-AN ACTRESS!!!!

Please do not confuse me with my character. Please do not think that when I am on stage in fishnets I am acting as some alter-ego that is somehow emerging forth. Please do not make comments about getting to know "the real me" after seeing me perform. I hate...HATE these types of comments. I know they're likely teasing, but I got these comments after playing a 'lovely lady' in Les Miserables and I'm getting them now.
The real me is the me I am every day. Off-stage. Cracking jokes, having feelings, not speaking lines memorized from a script someone else wrote.
The me on stage isn't me at all. The movements I make on stage are movements I was directed to make. The words I say are words someone else wrote. The clothes I wear are a costume someone else chose. I'm not even playing the role I initially auditioned for!!!!!!
Lauren is more likely to pick up the knitting, the book (though probably not a broom), than to dance in a real life Cabaret. Fraulein Kost
makes an appearance in the kick line every night!

What possess me to audition and perform in roles so opposite from my real life? Well...my real life is boring, and it's fun to take that 'vacation' on stage every night. It's nice to live as someone else. That doesn't make me anything like my character...I'm still just me!

Join the Family Business

My dad is a retired elementary teacher.
My mom is a retired elementary teacher.
My grandmother taught elementary school for a bit.
My sister has an elementary teaching credential.
I fought becoming a teacher for so long, but it's hard to fight something that has been surrounding you your entire life. You could say it's in my blood. And yes, I teach elementary school.

But teaching is just what I do, it's not what I am. What I am is a performer. With education so deeply rooted in my genetics, this performance tendency must be a fluke, right? Maybe not quite.

I grew up not only as the daughter of two teachers, but also as the daughter of a musician. My father's love for music is something very valuable that he has passed on to me. He taught me and showed me how to appreciate music, and the importance of challenging myself.

Teaching was just something my father did, but what my father is is a musician. During his teaching career, he brought his guitar into his classroom. He made time to be in a band. He 'jammed' with buddies. And for the past 20 years, he has been a constant fixture in our church's praise band as both a guitar player and drummer.

Dad and I singing at church camp-1993ish

When my dad retired from teaching, he had plans for his music. He was going to perform. He spent money on equipment, he put together a demo CD, he took voice lessons. He started getting gigs at retirement centers and such. But now, he is playing at farmer's markets, private parties and in downtown Visalia!

So yes, teaching is what I do...but what I am is a feather duster, a cloth merchant, a prostitute, a naval nurse, a scientist, a wardrobe consultant, and whatever else I want to be!

One step forward, two steps back...and a few to the side.

You know when you walk into a room, and you can't remember why? So you retrace your steps and hope that something along your journey back in time will jog your memory.

Walking into a room with an intended purpose is forward motion, but once you've entered that room your purpose is unable to be fulfilled, and you're forced to move backwards yet again. That is how I feel right now.

This whole year teaching third grade has been like walking into a room and completely forgetting what I actually needed. But instead of retracting my steps, I just kept searching fruitlessly with no memory what I was actually looking for. I had no purpose for teaching third grade. Then life forced me to retrace my steps...

I will be walking into a new room in the Fall, and I pray that I know exactly why from the second I walk in.

I feel put through the ringer. I have been made to feel unsupported, unwanted, ignored and insignificant. Those are not feelings that come from forward motion, those are HUGE steps backwards.

I have also taken some sideways steps. Not off-the-path steps, just lateral motion. The type of lateral motion that makes a first-year intern think it's okay to audition for a musical. And that it's okay to accept the offer to be a part of a very small and extremely versatile ensemble featured in nearly every number. And that it's okay to take on the added responsibility of dance captain. And that it's okay to offer to help hunt for costumes and sew some too. Even though she is still working on TPAs and needs to pass the RICA. So a little bit off-the-path. (But our show is going to be awesome!!)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Okay, in my last post I was all "going to Thailand...brb". And I've been back for four months. I fail at being interesting enough for a blog.
Every time I start to talk about my trip, I get very overwhelmed. I experienced so many different, life-changing things while in Thailand...some good, some notsomuch good.
I rode an elephant
I released floating lanterns (very Tangled)
I hugged orphans
I prayed for tribespeople with various ailments (such as polio)
I painted a bathroom
I danced a traditional Thai dance on stage with my fellow travelers
I stuck my feet in an aquarium and had little fishies nibble my dead skin off
I snorkeled
I took a prayer walk through a street lined with brothels
I hiked in the Himalayas
I ate A LOT of rice (SO. MUCH. RICE.)
I went to Burma
I laughed
I cried
I bled
I worshiped God in a new language
I experienced rain in a way I never had before
I showered in the dark with a gecko
I conquered the language barrier by just smiling at people and pointing a lot (I can also count to 10, and say "hello" and "thank you")
I taught English at a Thai school
...and I did it all without getting Malaria, Encephalitis, or Typhoid!

Now that I'm back, I wish I could say that my life is 100% different than it was before I left, but I've slipped back into old routines. Yes, the experience changed my life, but as I am currently working two jobs, serving as a worship leader and pursuing my teaching credential, I hardly have time to do laundry and take care of myself...I feel guilty that I'm not leading a whole new life, and I hate that 'busy' is my excuse...I hope that once I've got my credential, a stable teaching job (with benefits and an actual living wage) and the time and resources to do so, I'll be able to go back. I want my life to reflect the opportunities I've been given, instead of complaining about the amount of work I have to do.

Homework, Oh Homework

"Homework, Oh Homework
I hate you, you stink"-Jack Prelutsky

Highlighter-check

Pen-check

Notebook-check

Textbook-check

Remembering that going back to school means going back to homework-uh, priceless? I mean...um...

Ugh! I'm sitting here trying to convince myself that I should concentrate on reading Chapters 1 & 2 and then come up with something quasi-intelligent to post on the discussion board. I have until midnight to do this...however, I am extremely unmotivated and all too easily distracted.

Also, I have a hard time seeing a point in taking the community college version of a class I took at CLU...or really, having to take any of these classes at all. The goal of me going back to school is so that I can become a preschool teacher...but aren't I already a preschool teacher?

"You're not a girl" and other preschool gems

Preschoolers have so much to teach us adults. Their unique methods have taught me so many new things: I learned that police ociffers wear unicorns. I learned that Jesus probably didn't have a TV when he was born because the barn would make it dirty and there was no 'tricity in the stable. I learned that you can only call 911 if there's a mergency. And I learned that glue is way more fun when you put it on both sides of the paper. I have been educated about army mans, princesses, transformers and where babies come from (the baby store, of course...you can even pick out whichever one you want).

Today I learned a very important lesson...I'm a teacher. Not a girl.

We were sitting down for circle, and because I have some very...um...energetic boys in my class, I usually have them sit boy, girl, boy, girl to break up the...enthusiasm. Well, one little boy didn't want to sit by a girl. He promised to make good choices if I let him sit by his friends. He said he would be a good listener. I told him he could sit by a girl or he could come sit by me. He chose to sit by me...which was a good choice. He listened to the story, and I let him help me turn the pages. Later, I said to him "You didn't want to sit by a girl, but you sat by me. I'm a girl." His response? "No. You're not a girl. You're a teacher."

Yeah...that seems about right.

Daughter. Sister. Friend. Teacher.

I had another sub job today, and I filled out a W-4 form, which means I am technically not unemployed anymore!! Underemployed, yes, but unemployed? Uh-uh!

Can I just say that I absolutely love preschoolers?! I love how uncomplicated they are. I love how inquisitive they are. I love how their little minds work. The way they see things is just so precious. Everything in their world fits a certain category. Everything they know is limited to the little world that they're used to. In a preschooler's mind every classmate is a friend, every adult is called 'teacher' and apparently, every woman is a mother.

Today I got to have a conversation with a preschooler that went like this:

Her: How many babies do you have?

Me: I don't have any babies

Her: how come?

Me: Because I'm not a mommy

Her: Then what are you?

I was an adult woman who was not a mom...I think that caused her little world to expand ever so slightly. I explained to her that I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. And I am a teacher. I am a lot of things.