The Gambler

Life is like a slot machine.

You either win big, or lose it all...but if you choose to play it is very unlikely that you are going to end up with the same amount of 'money' you initially started out with. At least this is my approach. Maybe it's too cautious, or too cynical, but it's my take.

The way I see it is like this: You have $5, you can keep your $5 and feel great about having something to your name, it may not be much, but it's more than nothing. You can choose to gamble that $5 by putting it into a slot machine, you may double your money or even win the jackpot! But you could lose it all. You never know. Would I rather have $10 than $5? Yes, of course. That's an easy answer! I want to win the whole freakin' jackpot. BUT! I'd rather have $5 than nothing at all, and since no jackpot is guaranteed, and I don't know the outcome, it is safer to keep my $5 in my pocket than to play the game in the first place.

I gambled a bit with 'Jon' (remember him?) of course, that was a bit one-sided, so maybe that was only about $2.50, but it took a while for me to get my full $5 back anyway. I decided I hated gambling and wasn't going to anymore. Anything less than $5 in my pocket just isn't worth the risk. Recently, I was in a situation where I was forced to play my hand (or rather Mr. Dude, we'll call him "Joe", forced me to play his hand for him...and I know I am mixing my gambling metaphors). I started by putting the money in one dollar at a time, I pulled the lever, and started getting some return on my gamble. Not jackpot level returns, but enough that I felt safe putting in the whole $5. Perhaps I was overly optimistic, could it be that I finally hit a lucky streak? This never happens! Of course it doesn't...because at the next pull of the lever, I lost it all! Just like I always do.

What upsets me the most is that I should know better. I let my guard down, I gambled, I took a risk. I got let down. I'm not surprised. These are the things that happen to me. I'm disappointed for sure, but mostly in myself for letting this happen. I lost my head for a minute, and I'm smarter than that. I know better than to let my self get swept away. I'll eventually get my money back, and this time I'm sewing my pockets shut!

This is Crazy

Contagious pop songs are one of my guilty pleasures. The top song infecting my brain these days would have to be Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me, Maybe. It is everything a pop song should be: it's catchy, it's bubbly, and it's just plain ridiculous. Who just goes up to someone and says "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy...but here's my number, so call me maybe?" No one. No one does that.

Oh wait. 

I do that.

Okay I don't do that, but I did that. 

Yesterday I had just had a horrible day at preschool. I had been kicked, hit and bitten by a 4-year-old. I had blocks thrown at me, I was called 'poo-poo-butt', and I had to chase said 4-year-old down the hall, twice, as he tried to run away. The entire time he was doing this, he was giggling like a sociopath. I was feeling terrible, and I was about to call my friends and tell them I wasn't going to meet them for dinner after all. But...that would be letting the 4-year-old win, so instead, I came home and changed into something cuter than my preschool garb. 

So there I was at dinner with my friends and sitting at the table behind K and S was the cutest guy (Like, totes, OMG!) But really, he had a super-sweet smile and to be honest, he looked a little bit like 'Jon'. I was smitten. 

Now, we all know I hate taking risks and I'm terrible at talking to guys. I am also trying to get over my I-should-be-wooed-and-was-not-made-to-woo thing, because when it's been 6 years since any kind of wooing has happened anywhere near me, it's probably time to do something. (Although I still think it'd be nice for some guy to take the initiative and sweep me off my feet...but I digress). So after a long discussion (where S pointed out there was a reason I had changed my clothes), we decided that somehow this guy was going to get my number. My friends gave me a choice: I could give it to him myself or they would give it to him for me. So I wrote my name and number on a napkin, and as we were leaving the restaurant, I kinda tossed it at him and muttered 'My friends are making me do this' and ran away. 

But I did it!

Do I think he'll actually call me? Not a chance. Do I regret it? Probably a little, but I'm never going to see him again, so it's okay (and if I do, we have a funny story of how we met!)

At least the day ended up being something other than the day a 4-year-old bit me (it's not like my day could've gotten worse anyway).

Someday My Prince Will Come...right?

The way I see things, there are basically two kinds of guys: Davids and Linuses. As in David and Linus Larrabee. Let me break it down for those of you who are not familiar with the 1954 Audrey Hepburn classic Sabrina.

Linus Larrabee, Sabrina Fairchild & David Larrabee

(Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn & William Holden)

~*~

Sabrina Fairchild is the daughter of a chauffeur. The Larrabees' chauffeur, to be exact. The Larrabees have two sons. Linus (Humphrey Bogart) and David (William Holden). Sabrina has always had a crush on David, because he's handsome and charming, but he never really noticed her until she went to Paris, learned to cook and got a make-over...then he's all over her, even though he is engaged (as part of a business deal). But David, being the cad that he is, asks his brother Linus to "keep an eye on Sabrina" so he can keep up the charade of his engagement...I don't want to spoil the ending, but you get the gist.

Guys like David are quite a catch, at least on the surface. They are captivating, handsome, and just all around dreamy. It is really hard to see a David for what he really is unless you're on the outside looking in. You're just so entranced by this charming fellow you've set your sights on. But underneath that enchanting exterior is a heart-breaker. Confidence turns into cockiness...charm turns to smarm...and even if you once held his interest, his attentions are now elsewhere. Davids are NOT nice guys.

Then there are the Linuses. In the movie, Linus was portrayed as a bit of a grump. Supposedly not as handsome as his brother (but let's face it...he was still Bogey!) Linus was more serious, and therefore, not as obvious of a choice. Linus is a nice, genuine guy. He doesn't use a phony facade. He doesn't really need to. His appeal is in his 'nice-guy-ness'. His real, not-for-show nice-guy-ness.

David might be charming, but Linus is the prince!

Almost every guy I have ever had a crush on has been a David. Davids are the reason I am bitter and cynical and sad. 'Evan' turned out to be a David (although, I kinda saw that one coming) 'Jon' was a David (The worst kind of David, too...the David that tries to make you think he's a Linus). The only Linuses that come to mind are my ex-boyfriend and the guy I think I might kind of like now.

But for reasons that I won't discuss over the internets, things obviously didn't work out with my ex...or he wouldn't be my ex

And things aren't really working out with this new guy...because I'm not a Sabrina. Or at least not a post-Paris/make-over Sabrina. I don't stand out as 'that girl'. In fact, I've actually been told that I'm 'just one of the guys' (after complaining that I wasn't being treated like a lady...but I'm gonna chalk that one up to the fact that my guy friends are mostly a bunch of Davids).

The Good, The Bad, and The Confusing

The Good:

I got a job!! A part-time job, but my subbing gig at the preschool has blossomed into a permanent position. I work with the 3 year-olds from 1:30-6:00! I've got quite a few stinkers in my class (out of 11 students, 6 are only children, with whining, grabbing, and pushing tendencies.) These little ones definitely keep me on my toes, but I've got some sweet-peas as well. I am absolutely loving it so far. I come home absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, but it's a good tired. A fulfilled tired.

The Bad:

"They" say Autumn is here, but I have yet to believe "them". There has maybe been one nice day (under 90) so far this month. Add shaking walnut trees and harvesting cotton to this extreme heat, and we have had 4 'bad air days' in a row. Which means we have to call the kids in early from outside, but it also makes being outside with them absolute HELL. It is also reeking havoc on my allergies. I'm starting to think this weather might actually kill me.

The Confusing:

Last May I met this guy...we'll call him 'Evan'. I do believe I have a crush on him, and he has nearly pushed 'Jon' out of my head. It's just...this whole 'boy thing' is so hard for me. From what I know of Evan so far, I feel like we'd be a pretty good fit, I guess. He called me about a week ago (he must have gotten my number from someone, 'cause I never gave it to him) to ask what I was doing that night...but don't get too excited. He just needed me to fill in for him for something he wasn't even going to be there for. Then he texted to say that he didn't need me after all...

Youth Workers Retreat

I had an amazing time this weekend at ECP. An entire weekend spent with friends, in worship, and learning to take care of my mind, body and soul. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've gotten to worship without having to be "on", and I was glad to have the opportunity this weekend to do so. It was very refreshing to get to take the time to go to one of the places I consider home and to be with some of the people I consider family.
"Self Care" was the theme of the retreat, and it's one of those things that I've never been good at. I know I've said I'm selfish, and I am. I get caught up in myself and my own thoughts, but that's not the same as taking care of myself. In fact, I spend a lot of time and effort taking care of other people. Not only because my job involves look after the well-being of others, but also because I don't have many people in my life and I feel that if I take care of them, I won't lose their friendship. I do have to admit that having the retreat at ECP was a blessing and a 'curse', especially given the theme of the retreat. I absolutely love it there...but for some reason, I can't not work at camp. I need to take care of things and I need to take care of people, and it's very hard for me to be a 'guest' at El Camino Pines. Still, the retreat was just what I needed.
The weekend was full of good company, prayers, friends, beer, worship, wine, games, dance parties and the rare chance to be around peers.
Then there was this morning's worship service. Which was great. But difficult.
The sermon had to have been especially for me. Pastor Catie said everything I needed, but nothing I actually wanted to hear. Sometimes it's hard to listen to exactly what you need to hear.
It's even harder when you're hearing the words out of your own mouth. I was asked to read the 'prayers of intercession' and every single prayer I read could have been written by my own heart. Offering God our imperfections, giving God our worries and the real clincher: asking God to save us from our cynicism. Crap.
Cynicism is what I do to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's my shield. My way of coping with things I don't want to face. Which is most of my life right now.
There is a certain 'situation' that I am particularly unwilling to face, and unfortunately it's becoming more and more inevitable. I have been praying for clarity, and of course there have been so many indications, especially this past weekend, that I need to face this situation head on with maturity instead of avoiding it and being sarcastic. Even driving home from the retreat I was slapped not only with the RK song "I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" but also by the lyrics of Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes song 'Poison Ivy'..."it's all a big 'what if', what if I'd spoken up for what I wanted". Things don't happen if you don't act to make them happen. (But I'm still asking myself what I want to happen).
Then there was this picture that greeted me after I checked my 'google reader' to catch up after the weekend:
OK, OK, OK...I know that getting this off my chest is probably the healthy thing to do, but no matter the result (and I'm unclear what kind of result I'm looking for), things would change, a change I'm not sure I'm ready for. For lack of a stronger word. Crap. Crap. Crap.

"Try on time is over, Ned"

Since I don't have cable in my new place yet, I've been watching my 'Smallville' DVDs...(only the first 4 seasons, before that show became 'the thing that needs to die'). I used to be super obsessed with that show--mostly because of Tom Welling, I'm sure--but I liked other things about it too. I had forgotten how much I liked that show, specifically the character of Chloe Sullivan. Chloe is the Olive Snook to Clark Kent's Ned.
Which brings me to the subject of this post--the 'maybe friend'. Chloe and Olive are 'maybe friends' to Clark and Ned respectively. That is to say if Lana Lang and Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles weren't in the picture they'd maybe have a chance with the guys they are pining over. The complication comes from the fact that these ladies are good friends with the objects of their affection, and when you're friends with someone it makes them that much harder to get over.
Sometimes I feel like I'm Jon's 'maybe friend'. I mean, we are good friends...and there are times where I feel like maybe if there wasn't a 'Mandy'...or I'm delusional.
Also, I said I wasn't going to blog about him anymore, but I fail...a lot

Sin(gle) City

I just got back from a bachelorette party in Vegas! Yeah, I know.
It wasn't really my style, but I wasn't the bride (obvi). One of my roommates from college is marrying another friend from college in just under a week, and so we celebrated her almost-not-single-anymore-hood. It was fun, we road-tripped over and stayed at the Flamingo. Hung out by the pool (lifeguards!!) then got gussied up and headed out for the night. We had a nice dinner, saw some hot Aussies and then got wrist-banded to get in to a club for free (I enjoy being a girl?) Dancing, dancing, dancing...then bride-friend introduces me to some guy who was talking to her. He was good-looking and we talked for a minute or two, but it didn't really get anywhere.
Now, I was excited about this trip, I brought a new green dress and wore my sexy black-patent heels. I felt pretty, and even though I new nothing could or would or should happen (because I'm not that girl) but, I thought that maybe I could even get hit on. And now there is this guy who is very not un-attractive. (Not my type, but not un-attractive)...and I lost it a little bit. There was no visible problem in this situation...but there was a problem. One that I didn't know existed until that moment...
He wasn't Jon.
How much longer is this going to go on? I can't keep letting my hang-up on that boy get in my way, but I don't know how to quit him.
salkjdhfalfdadf...I'm just so frustrated (mostly with myself)

Knowing when to leave

I hope this is my last post about 'Jon'...I'm getting comments from my reader (Hi Becca!) and I never intended this blah-g to be turned into a diary.
I don't know why I put myself through this, and it's not his fault that he doesn't like me back. He's not a jerk, and that's the hardest part. He's a nice guy, so of course I'm not the only girl who can see that. And I put on a mask of 'eh' as a defense mechanism...therefore girls that act more girly catch his attention. None of this is really his fault, which makes it hard to hate him. Which makes it hard to stop being stupid about him. I've been listing to my 'Over It' playlist and I'm in the 'Gives You Hell', 'Bust Your Windows', 'Bowling Ball' stage...I'm not ready for the 'Many a New Day', 'Up and Up', 'The Middle' stage yet. But it's really hard to be mad at someone who didn't do anything wrong. "I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime"...I'm mostly mad at myself for getting myself into this. And I've got the upset stomach, the feeling of dis-ease, and the inability to eat and sleep.

I'm 24 and I haven't been on a date in 4 and a half years...what is wrong with me? Why do I keep picking these Monet/Degas guys? Why can't I find a nice, genuine guy who won't break my heart.

He loves me not

The Promises, Promises website has this cute little ap that allows one to click petals off of a cyber daisy to determine if the one you love loves you back (a tried and true test that is always accurate)
Things were off to a great start:

Then I got to the final petal and...well:

I suppose I could 'try again' like the clickable at the bottom suggests...but the daisy has spoken, and confirmed what I've known all along.
Well, not that 'Jon' doesn't love me...just not in that way
It's like in one of my favorite episodes of 'Pushing Daisies'(Window Dressed to Kill) Olive & Ned are 'playing fiances', then Ned tells Olive she's been fun to 'try on' and she responds with the best Olive Moment of the series:
"Try On? You try on a sweater at the mall. You try on your best friend's bra and you smile on the inside cause yours are bigger and better. You don't TRY ON a person" She then makes the announcement that Ned never loved her to which he replies "I love you Olive, as a friend"...yep, that seems about right.

On a different note: almost every awesome person I know right now is at camp, and I'm bummed because I have to be a grown-up. Some people run away to join the circus, well camp is definitely the kind of circus I would love to run off an join. I'm so homesick for Jeffery pine trees and a place where I can wear my quirks on my sleeve.

Play by Playlists

I got to see 'Jon' a few days ago, and I'm not gonna lie...it was nice. He could get an Olympic gold medal in hugging, he literally picks me up off the ground.
Which is nice (I'm a bit of a hug connoisseur), but it makes things difficult. I'm trying to decide if pining over Jon is worth it, or if I need to just get over it. Which is why I have developed two iTunes playlists; one is called 'pining', the other: 'over it'
I will share them now

Pining:
Accidentally in Love (Counting Crows)
Alone (Glee Cast Version)
Being in Love (The Music Man)
Clumsy (Fergie)
Eternal Flame (The Bangles)
Gimme, Gimme (Thoroughly Modern Millie)
Goodnight, My Someone (The Music Man)
Holding Out for a Hero (Bonnie Tyler)
Hopelessly Devoted to You (Kristin Chenoweth via the Pushing Daisies soundtrack)
I Can Hear the Bells (Hairspray)
I Know it's Today (Shrek: The Musical)
I Want to Hold Your Hand (from Across the Universe)
I Want You to Want Me (Letters to Cleo)
It's About Time (Jamie Cullum)
Mamma Mia (Mamma Mia)
Maybe This Time (Cabaret)
My Junk (Spring Awakening)
The One I'm Waiting For (Relient K)
Somebody to Love (Queen)
Someday my Prince Will Come (Snow White)
Taylor, the Latte Boy (K-Chen)
Vanilla Twilight (Owl City)
You Don't Know Me (Michael Buble)

Over It:
Adelaide's Lament (Guys & Dolls)
Bowling Ball (Superchic[k])
Bust Your Windows (Glee Cast version)
Devastation and Reform (Relient K)
Don't Rain on My Parade (Funny Girl)
Down With Love (Michael Buble & Holly Palmer)
Gives You Hell (All American Rejects)
Gotta Go My Own Way (High School Musical)
I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair (South Pacific)
I'm Not That Girl (Wicked)
I Don't Need a Soul (Relient K)
I Hate Men (Kiss Me, Kate)
I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
If You Had, But You Didn't (K-Chen)
The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
Over It (Relient K)
Princes & Frogs (Superchic[k])
There's a Fine, Fine Line (Avenue Q)
These Boots Are Made for Walking (Nancy Sinatra)
What Did I Ever See in Him (Bye Bye Birdie)
You're So Vain (Carly Simon)


I didn't make these playlists specifically for Jon, they were the result of the previous Mr. Monet (a particularly Monet-ish mistake)-though I added a few songs specifically for Jon (I think Michael Buble's You Don't Know Me is pretty perfect for 'us'...if there was an us, which there's not. Just a me and a him...but hey, a girl can dream!)

You do the math...

I got in the mail today an invitation to a friend's wedding!!
It is definitely wedding season, and being 24, more and more of my peers are tying the knot. I think Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow says it best "a wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!!" Okay, maybe not...but weddings are fun times, and I'm always honored when I'm invited to share and celebrate with people on their special day.
I've been to a fair handful of friend's weddings in the past few years, the most recent being about three weeks ago.
But this time the envelope wasn't just addressed to me. No...this time I got 'Lauren Chambers and Guest'.
I've never gotten 'and guest' before so I'm toying with the idea of bringing a 'plus one' to the wedding. But math and I don't exactly get along and I wouldn't want to be minus a 'plus one'. The two options I'm thinking about for my 'plus one' are either 'Jon' or my fabulous friend David...

Mr. Monet

Carrie had Mr. Big, I have Mr. Monet*...(in the wise words of Cher Horowitz, "from far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess"). There have been many incarnations of Mr. Monet over the years, and they have all been pretty much the same. Handsome, charming (tallish, brunette--I have a type)...but lean in a little closer, and underneath that flirty exterior is kinda a jerky guy.
The current Mr. Monet (we'll call him 'Jon') is not as Monet-ish...which is step in the right direction for me, I guess more of a Mr. Degas (still impressionistic, but a little less messy). Jon is guy I used to work with, he is handsome and charming, funny, goofy and sweet--and he has his moments of pure Monet-ism. Sometimes, though, I see him as a photograph as opposed to a painting. A clear snap-shot of his true personality will come through from time to time. Maybe I'm blinded by my feelings for him, but I think the 'Monet' IS the exterior in Jon's case...
or maybe I'm just being silly

*I should point out, though, that my Mr. Monets have never made it past the 'crush' stage (less Carrie & Big, more Olive & Ned)