Just Take It!!

I am not a fashionista, but I consider myself a person with general good-taste and style.

I assembled myself an outfit yesterday that I was actually very proud of and felt very confident in. It was a very 'Lauren' outfit. If I were a selfie person, I may have even posted a hashtag OOTD. It was  just a multi-colored striped shift-dress, a denim jacket, some cognac-brown riding boots and flesh-toned fishnet tights. It doesn't sound spectacular, and I didn't exactly spend hours coming up with this ensemble. I try to dress a little nicer (okay, a lot nicer) for church because a) I actually have a job there (that I really like and enjoy, I might add) and b) I don't get to wear nice clothes working in a preschool.

After church, I went to lunch with a friend, and the waitress complimented my outfit, and my first impulse was to tell her that the dress only cost $15 and that the jacket was 10 years old. Of course, I just said "thank you!" But I realized I always do that. When someone pays me a compliment, I usually find some way to down play whatever it is they're complimenting, as if my things are not worth their nice comments "I like your top" "Oh, it's from Target". "Cute shoes" "Thanks, I've had these forever". I'm not the only one who does this, though. I've noticed that many of my other female friends do this as well. It goes beyond just being humble, it is like a weird, learned behavior that we have all picked up from each other where we can't just take a compliment and run with it. We either have to down play whatever is being complimented, tell the complimenter where said item was purchased or give a compliment in return. 

I was so eager to de-value my outfit that I had felt so good in because...why? I'm not supposed to take compliments? I don't deserve them? Because that's a load of crap! So what if that dress was only $15, it was cute AND a bargain! So what if I've had that jacket since college, a good denim jacket never goes out of style! And no one needs to know those details, and since no one really reads my blog...no one is going to!

Human Again

Ugh...I human-ed today. I try so hard not to do that in front of other people.

But I human-ed, and I human-ed BIG TIME, and I human-ed in front of a large group of people.

Since 2012, I have been blessed to serve as a presiding minister for the congregation I grew up in. This is a role I take very seriously. I still wonder why my pastor chose me for this, because I mess up. A lot. Like I am one of the most human humans to ever human. I am a frazzled, flustered mess of a human like 90% of the time. The other 10%, I'm probably sleeping.

Although worship is not about me, I do not want to detract from the worship experience of others by being under-prepared, or by seeming like I'm not taking the role with respect and reverence. I make sure to dress professionally, skip the sloppy bun and actually do my hair and put make up on my face.  In short, I don't want to look like a mess. I cannot portray the humanity within.

But something happened. My mic went out, it threw me off (which it shouldn't have, I've been on stage enough times to know that the 'show' must go on). I human-ed up the benediction, and instead of just stumbling along through the human-ness that was happening, I gave it an extra dose of human by calling attention to the humanity and the way that I felt about my cute outfit, good hair day, and the fact that I actually looked decent in make-up went out the window and I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

Why do I have to human? Why can't I just get it right? Maybe one of these days...

Picture Day

So I started this little project as a way to document adventure...but it really has turned into a sounding board for all the embarrassing, awkward, and slightly pathetic things that happen to me. These are my stories (dundun). Here is a pathetic little gem to make you chuckle, I have to laugh at it too...
Every few years our church puts out a new photo directory, pictures of the families, contact information, etc. As I was signing up to have my picture taken for our directory I had the following conversation with one of the older women who were manning the sign up table
Woman: "Are you going to be taking your photo all by yourself?"
Me: "Yes"
Woman: "Do you have a pet, like a dog or a kitty or something you want to have in the photo with you?"
Me: "Nope, it's just me"
Woman: "Well, it won't always be, dear."

Really?

Seriously?

Drawing a...uh...um...

I have been a presiding minister at Christ Lutheran Church since the beginning of the year. Every other Sunday, I get up in front of the congregation and announce the offering, read from scripture, pray, facilitate confession and preside over communion for two services. I estimate I've done this about 30 times. I think I have gotten it exactly right once (maaaaybe twice). There is one part of all this that really seems to trip me up. During communion I say the following words while simultaneously breaking bread: "On the night in which he was betrayed, our Lord Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and gave it to his disciples saying: "Take and eat, this is my body, broken for you."
I may be fairly new to presiding over worship, but I am not new to church. So, while I've only been saying these words a couple dozen times...I've heard them said more than 1,000 times in my life. You'd think I'd have them down by now.
But I don't.
I always blank at this part...which leads to me standing there like this:

I have really poor hand/brain/mouth coordination. 

Meanwhile as I stand there awkwardly Lion-King-ing my brain decides to take FOR-EV-ER to tell my eyes to look down at my notes. Again, the coordination thing. I'm not good at it.

I'm just amazed (and honored and grateful and flabbergasted) that they let me keep doing this!

Why moving back home was the best decision I didn't get to make for myself.

Exactly a year ago today, I made the necessary move back into my parents' house after the devastation of losing my job. After the move, I felt small, I felt defeated, and I felt incredibly depressed. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a purpose, and I didn't have an ounce of independence. I didn't want to do anything...I couldn't do anything except watch Penelope on a loop all day. I had lost any reason I had ever had for getting out of bed.

A year later...I can say that moving back to Visalia has been the biggest blessing in my life!

Friends- I have a sitcom-like group of people in my life, and I'm not sure how I got this far without them! I have been more social, been on more adventures, and have had some of the most fun I can imagine in this past year: Beach days, mountain weekends, theme parks, 5Ks, Denny's, spontaneous ice cream runs, movie nights, sock golf, movies, mini golf, game nights, sevies runs, you name it! These people make my life better then it's ever been!!

Work- I feel like I have really found my footing teaching preschool. I really feel like this is what I was meant to do. I still get to hang out and help out with the youth, which I love doing...but my heart is that of a preschool teacher. I am so much happier in this career then I was in youth ministry. I get to hang out with children every single day. I get to do arts & crafts, I get to sing silly songs, I get to hold tiny hands and I get to hear things like "Miss Lauren, you look pretty today"...such a self-esteem boost!! I work with an amazing and supportive group of women so I pretty much have the best job ever!

Church- I have always considered my church here in Visalia to be my home. I literally grew up at Christ Lutheran, and the members of that church are my family! Ever since I've been back, I have felt so supported and encouraged. I feel so filled with worship, and ironically...the church that has known me since I was a baby treats me more like an adult and with more respect than the church that I worked for. I have even been honored to serve as a presiding minister, which has been so incredible. I am so humbled to be trusted with such a big responsibility.

It is incredible to look back and reflect on the awful experience of losing my job and see all the good that has come from it. Even though I'm still stuck in my parents' house...I can confidently say my life is about 88% better now then it was in SoCal

I scream, you scream...

I love ice cream. I really really love it! One of the 'house rules' I had in my apartment was: if you want ice cream, you go get ice cream. (Some of the other rules included staying in jammies until at least 10 on Saturdays and never turning off the TV or changing the channel during a Law & Order: SVU marathon)

But...back to the ice cream thing. I really wanted ice cream tonight. I needed to work on church stuff, but I knew I wasn't going to get any real work done as long as I had ice cream on the brain. So I hopped in the car and drove myself to 31 Flavors. Let me tell you, 31 is a lot of flavors to have to chose from. I narrowed it down to two: cotton candy, and my 'usual' a flavor called icing on the cake. I couldn't choose. I 'eenie meenie miny moe-d', but ultimately, there was really only one right answer: both. Both was good. Both was the best decision I ever made without actually having to make a decision.

My life is exhilarating!

My green dress...

I think everyone has an article of clothing that makes them feel really special.

Maybe you have a pair of pants that make your butt look really good; or a jacket that fits you so well it's like the designer had you in mind. I have my green dress!

I bought it last year around Easter-time because, well...I needed an Easter dress.

I don't wear dresses often. Skirts to church on Sundays, perhaps, but I've never been big dress-wearer.

But this dress was MADE for me. It fits me perfectly, and I feel so pretty when I wear it. I wish I had more opportunities to wear it. I did get some use out of it, as it accompanied me to two weddings over the summer.

The dress at wedding #1; waiting to catch the bouquet

The dress in action (getting my groove on with the bride) at wedding #2

Through the river and over the woods...

It has been raining here for, like, a week straight! The sun finally came out today, and it was beautiful!! (I was secretly hoping for a double rainbow, but the rain stopped shortly after the sun came out...) I've never seen rain like this before, it was incredible!! A little ridiculous, but mostly incredible!!
The next few days are supposed to be sunny, or at least not rainy, for the next few days...but I'm not going to be here. I'm flying to my grandma's for Christmas...the best part is going to be the 4 adults in a Prius road tripping from the Sac airport to grandma's house...and I can't WAIT!! Mostly because my family is CRAZY!!!. First off, 16 people over for Christmas. 5 cousins, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 dogs, 2 cats, 1 step-cousin, 1 cousin-in-law, 2 parents, 1 sister and a grandma who says and does things mostly because she's old and no one is going to say anything back. I will give an example: My grandma came in September and tried to give me money. I told her no. I refused to take it. So what did grandma do? She stuffed it down my shirt!!...yes, apparently, my grandma thinks I'm a stripper. She also says stuff like "Because you'll want to go to church on Christmas eve, I should probably start going again so they remember what I look like there." Oh, grandma...
I am so ready for this crazy to happen!! Bring it on, Christmas, bring it on!!!

But first, I should probably pack!


The picture I'm sending with all my Christmas cards next year...I hope your Christmas is as awkward as mine!!

On my own

Sometimes I wish I had someone to me take care of me. Some days I just don't want to come home to any empty apartment.
Tonight the adult fellowship committee was caroling, and I was asked to bring Spark (our elementary ministry) along. One of the moms suggested a Christmas craft, so I told her I'd pick up the beads and pipe cleaners and she'd bring her little darling (who, a couple weeks ago, decided that it would be a good idea to draw people drowning when we drew pictures of Noah's Ark). We started at 4, did our little ornament craft, sang to some shut-in members of our congregation and came back. The grown-ups enjoyed a baked potato bar and I decorated cookies with the kiddies. It wasn't until afterwords, the woman who helps me with the children's ministry told me that this woman had told her that she was upset that we did the craft she had suggested before caroling up in the youth room instead of after caroling down in the social hall.
I think what bothers me the most is that this woman didn't tell me how she felt, but rather sent a messenger in her stead. We're not in high school anymore...you can tell me yourself if you think pipe cleaner ornaments are cooler than decorating gingerbread cookies (or, in the case of this woman's son...gingerbread headless zombies with blood spurting out their necks).
I think what bothered her the most was that the craft she suggested was done as a 'Spark' activity and not part of the AFC thing. I'm sorry, I don't want to seem rude, but I am not a babysitter...if you want to do something as part of YOUR activity then YOU can plan it. I'm not there to keep the kids at your event occupied while the grown-ups do their thang! I am not part of AFC, I am in charge of youth and youth activities. If you want to have a child activity as a component of YOUR event, I will come, I will participate, but if you give it to me to plan and it doesn't happen where when and how you want it to, don't get offended. I am not the youth chair on YOUR committee...while I am open to suggestions, I am just doing my job as the youth director of our CHURCH. Not your personal children's activities co-ordinator.
Sorry about that rant, I just don't have anyone to come home to so, even though I'd like to, I can't unload this on an actual human being.
I'll probably delete this post tomorrow because I'm sure once I'm not so upset anymore I'll feel guilty about posting this (even though nobody really reads this and I didn't use names)

There's no place like home for the holidays

Sometimes I wonder 'at what point in my adult life will I stop referring to my parents house as 'home'?'
My apartment in Simi Valley is very home-y, and when I am somewhere not in Simi I always refer to my return as 'going home', however, any trip up to Visalia can also be classified as 'going home'.
And talk about 'from Atlantic to Pacific, gee the traffic is terrific'...I think driving to the Atlantic coast would have taken less time than I spent on the 405. It took me 5 whole songs, and at one point I'm pretty sure I was part of a convoy...there were so many trucks, it was redic!
But I made it...I made it home to Visalia. Hanging with the 'rents watching Dog the Bounty Hunter.
I get to go to church with the fam tonight, and get to see some of my CLC peeps that I haven't seen in about a year, including my goddaughter.
I have been a terrible godmother lately, it's hard when you live so far away...but for a few short days I get to be around family and friends and to be surrounded by all Visalia stuff that for some reason I tried so hard to get away from.
When I come up here, I have little to no time to relax, my time is pretty booked because I have so many Visalia things to see and Visalia things to do.
Tonight is soup and church and PIE SOCIAL!!
Tomorrow gotta get up in time for the parade, Thanksgiving 'linner' and watching 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving' with the sis
Finding time over the weekend to watch Deathly Hallows with Becca, and Tangled with the bff...hopefully going down and getting some lunch or at least a tea at 210 (assuming they're still open on Saturdays) and squeezing in time to be bummed about missing the "Monday after Thanksgiving Visalia's Candy Cane Lane Christmas Parade"

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Well first of all...I don't want to grow up. So that's simple. I specifically chose a career which would be severely hindered by my 'growing up'. In order to work with youth, I need to remain young...
When I was in college and I finally declared a major (religious studies) I spent a great deal of time thinking about what I could do with that major. Spending summers helping out at my home church, and later, working at camps...I really found a passion for working with kids and teenagers. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them about the Bible and 'that Jesus guy'. I really like my job.
Except...
There is one question that every youth director in the history of youth directors gets asked, and last night it was my turn. In fact, when rating yourself on the Jon Acuff scale of youth-tastic-ness* being asked this question is worth 10 points of youth-tastic-isity. The question is:
"Are you ever going to become a real pastor?"
Because I work in the fantasy world of Never-neverland...well, I guess I kind of do since I refuse to grow up anyway. But my job is very real, and very important.
About a year ago I was at a youth worker's extravaganza and I sat down and had a beer with one of my former youth directors who is currently a "real pastor" in Wisconsin, or Minnesota or one of those Lutheran-y states in the middle of the country. He told me that he used to get asked this question alot. His response was "I'm already a real pastor". He hadn't yet been through seminary. He wasn't allowed to consecrate the elements, and with his blue goatee, I doubt our pastor ever let him actually get up in front of the congregation and preach...but doing ministry, even if it is with youth, is a real job. Providing pastoral care for teenagers is a real thing. No, I haven't been through seminary, and right now I am not feeling any call towards ordination...but my job is very real, and really important.
Right now I am very happy in youth ministry, and while I have thought about getting my masters in Youth and Family Ministry...I have no future plans to become a "real pastor"...it's not my choice anyway

*oh...and beeteedubs-I got a 78!

No one ever said it would be easy...

...try explaining this in a children's message:
Luke 21: 16-17 "You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. Everyone will hate you because of me." ...I mean yeah, it gets better since 18-19 says "But not a hair of your head will perish. Stand firm, and you will win life." But what part do you think an 8 year old is going to focus on?
This is harder than when I gave my children's sermon about Jesus healing on the Sabbath and I had to come up with a way to say "it's okay to break the rules sometimes" without losing my job or having the parents of the congregation hate me. Or the time my children's message resulted in half of the kids begging their parents for puppies...that's the last time I use that as a metaphor for perseverance.
Give me "congratulations, you're not perfect" any Sunday. Heck, when I gave that one, people were talking about it for weeks. Weeks, I tell you, weeks!!!

Now I have to talk children into loving Jesus without scaring them out of it? There is no way I can pull this off without getting in some kind of trouble with someone.