The Gambler

Life is like a slot machine.

You either win big, or lose it all...but if you choose to play it is very unlikely that you are going to end up with the same amount of 'money' you initially started out with. At least this is my approach. Maybe it's too cautious, or too cynical, but it's my take.

The way I see it is like this: You have $5, you can keep your $5 and feel great about having something to your name, it may not be much, but it's more than nothing. You can choose to gamble that $5 by putting it into a slot machine, you may double your money or even win the jackpot! But you could lose it all. You never know. Would I rather have $10 than $5? Yes, of course. That's an easy answer! I want to win the whole freakin' jackpot. BUT! I'd rather have $5 than nothing at all, and since no jackpot is guaranteed, and I don't know the outcome, it is safer to keep my $5 in my pocket than to play the game in the first place.

I gambled a bit with 'Jon' (remember him?) of course, that was a bit one-sided, so maybe that was only about $2.50, but it took a while for me to get my full $5 back anyway. I decided I hated gambling and wasn't going to anymore. Anything less than $5 in my pocket just isn't worth the risk. Recently, I was in a situation where I was forced to play my hand (or rather Mr. Dude, we'll call him "Joe", forced me to play his hand for him...and I know I am mixing my gambling metaphors). I started by putting the money in one dollar at a time, I pulled the lever, and started getting some return on my gamble. Not jackpot level returns, but enough that I felt safe putting in the whole $5. Perhaps I was overly optimistic, could it be that I finally hit a lucky streak? This never happens! Of course it doesn't...because at the next pull of the lever, I lost it all! Just like I always do.

What upsets me the most is that I should know better. I let my guard down, I gambled, I took a risk. I got let down. I'm not surprised. These are the things that happen to me. I'm disappointed for sure, but mostly in myself for letting this happen. I lost my head for a minute, and I'm smarter than that. I know better than to let my self get swept away. I'll eventually get my money back, and this time I'm sewing my pockets shut!

Forever Young

Last night I went to a baseball game with some friends and even though our team got smoked (15-4...wah wah) and I suck at eating sunflower seeds (I just don't have the patience to get that little seed out of it's shell, is it even worth it?) it was still a good night. I really do enjoy baseball, it's easy to follow and I usually have a vague idea of what's going down on the field. We got to sit in a box because of a 'friend of a friend' situation, and that was really cool! The fireworks got cancelled, which was a bit of a bummer, but after the sun went down the blazing heat subsided leaving us with a rather pleasant evening.
In the box next to us was this family, a mom, a dad and two young daughters (I'd say probably about 5 and 7). Anyway, this happened:
Guy: "You're probably around 15, 16...right?"
Me: "Actually I'm 26"
Guy: "I'm so sorry...I was just hoping you could talk to my daughter, she wishes she was a teenager."
So I proceed to tell the girl to enjoy being a kid, growing up is not all it's cracked up to be yadda yadda...
Then the guy asks me: "Ok, now how much do I have to pay you to tell her to stay away from boys?"
Me: "That is a speech I will give for free!" Which led into my "Boys-are-gross, they-are-nothing-but-trouble, they-all-have-cooties" schpiel.
I've always looked younger than my age, so when I actually was 16...I looked more like I was 12.
In fact, I was so convincing as a 12-year-old my parents would usually make sure I got a kids' menu at restaurants. I hated it. Not only was that down right offensive, but it was also humiliating and traumatizing and 'ohmygoshI'dratherdie'. But now I think it's funny. It's a compliment. 10 years from now (when I'm close to 40...ack!) it'll be nice to get mistaken for someone in their twenties!

An actual picture of me from my high school years...I think I'm 15 here, even though I look like a 5th grader.

I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it

By nature, I'm not a big risk-taker. When it comes to making decisions that will impact my future, I will hem and haw and go back and forth. I don't gamble, mostly because change will somehow be involved. If there is something I want...I can either sit around and wait for it to happen to me (low-risk) or I can go after it (high-risk). If I sit around and wait, chances are I will never get to experience whatever it is that I'm waiting for...however, if I pursue it, things could go one of two ways:

a) I get what I'm hoping for! Things change for the better and I'm happy! (Unlikely)

b) I put myself out there for nothing. Things change for the worse, (and potentially get awkward) and I could end up worse off then I was before.

I have been known to tell my students after nap: "if you take too long to put your shoes on, you will miss out on story-time" and I feel like I need to start taking my own advice. If I take too long, if I don't take initiative, I will miss out on so much.

I wish I could just let go and let the dice decide...

Seriously. These are the things that keep me up at night.

White Horse

I may be 25 years old...but I'm convinced that there is a teenager inside of me. And she listens to Taylor Swift!! My inner teenager relates to TSwizzle's music and feels as though these songs were written specifically for me. My outer adult realizes that this is ridiculous and is slightly ashamed to share an iTunes account with the younger version. I like her sassy 'I don't need you' songs, I like her fun, upbeat 'I have a crush on you' songs, and I like her 'I love you, but you love someone else' songs...like this one:

Are adults not allowed to have or express these feelings? Are teenage girls the only ones allowed to be sulky and moody (or sassy or upbeat or whatever) when it comes to boys? I guess by now, as an adult my life (which one would assume includes my 'love life') should be more together than this...

It's not

'Cause this ain't a fairytale

It's my life!

Oops...I Did It Again

Remember elementary school? When you had a crush on someone, you would show them how much to liked them by teasing them, calling them names and/or chasing them around the playground. I want to know at what age 'normal' people start owning up to their feelings...because I'm pretty sure I'm still a bit of a second grader when it comes to this kind of stuff. About a week ago I needed some advice about an issue I was having with my car. Cars are super confusing for one thing. Pounds of air? Inches of air? What is that about? Also, can my car just come right out and tell me what is wrong with it. Like, if I need air in my tires, can there be a light on my dash that actually says 'tires need air' instead of some crazy hieroglyphic? Anyway, this isn't about my car, or her tires...it's about the question I had about my car. Someone (male) gave me some actual information...and my reply was snarky and sarcastic. My MO is my cynical charm...and for some odd reason it's not working...

Why do I always do this? Whether I 'like like' a guy, or we're just friends....why am I mean?

The Good, The Bad, and The Confusing

The Good:

I got a job!! A part-time job, but my subbing gig at the preschool has blossomed into a permanent position. I work with the 3 year-olds from 1:30-6:00! I've got quite a few stinkers in my class (out of 11 students, 6 are only children, with whining, grabbing, and pushing tendencies.) These little ones definitely keep me on my toes, but I've got some sweet-peas as well. I am absolutely loving it so far. I come home absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, but it's a good tired. A fulfilled tired.

The Bad:

"They" say Autumn is here, but I have yet to believe "them". There has maybe been one nice day (under 90) so far this month. Add shaking walnut trees and harvesting cotton to this extreme heat, and we have had 4 'bad air days' in a row. Which means we have to call the kids in early from outside, but it also makes being outside with them absolute HELL. It is also reeking havoc on my allergies. I'm starting to think this weather might actually kill me.

The Confusing:

Last May I met this guy...we'll call him 'Evan'. I do believe I have a crush on him, and he has nearly pushed 'Jon' out of my head. It's just...this whole 'boy thing' is so hard for me. From what I know of Evan so far, I feel like we'd be a pretty good fit, I guess. He called me about a week ago (he must have gotten my number from someone, 'cause I never gave it to him) to ask what I was doing that night...but don't get too excited. He just needed me to fill in for him for something he wasn't even going to be there for. Then he texted to say that he didn't need me after all...

Just One of the Guys...

Last night I was in charge of opening up at Relate, the young adult group at my church, our regular leader wasn't there so it was a really small group. Me and three guys. With 75% of the population being male, the conversation turned to boy-type things; cars, scary movies, beer...at one point they were actually talking about farts. FARTS! I decided this was a good time to remind the group that I am, indeed, a lady...and one of the boys pipped up that I was 'just like one of the guys!'

Not only is that the last thing a girl EVER wants to hear, but it really got me thinking...is that how I come off?

Because I don't want to be perceived as 'one of the guys', I want to be perceived as a girl. I know I'm not the 'girliest' of girls. I don't wear a ton of pink (mostly because it clashes with my red hair), I usually don't wear colored polish on my fingernails, and I don't spend HOURS in front of the mirror. But I wear make-up, and I like ruffles. I want to be the 'easy going, cute girl' not that 'person who happens to be female.'

I don't want to change my personality, and become, like giggly all the time; I would feel ridiculous. But I don't want to be the girl that guys talk about farts in front of either.

Today I decided...

to go back to school...
Okay, traffic school. For that ticket I got back in June.
I signed up for an online course, and it's a good thing there weren't any cops in my house cause I sped through that at approximately 82 miles an hour (the speed that got me the ticket in the first place). College really honed my skimming skills, and what my mom predicted would take all day took me all of 45 minutes...

Back when I got my little citation and traffic school was given as an option to erase this transgression from my permanent record, mom was keen to send me to an in-class traffic school..."maybe you'll meet someone" was her justification.
Which means I would have to plan a cute outfit, because as a friend of mine says (and my mother would agree) "you never know when you're going to meet your husband" which is a really lame way to go through life, but it seems as if that's everyone's concern for my life right now (especially my mother)
Wednesday I went to the store with my mom and we were talking about the Middle School Gathering I just got back from, and she actually asked if there were "any single, male youth directors there"...because I have time to check that out while I'm busy wrangling nine 6th-8th graders.
But seriously, this is her favorite question. My first summer at camp she was all "did you meet any nice boys?" Which, yeah-they guys at camp were nice...they were also like brothers after the summer, which y'know, is gross.
Last night we were talking about this hipster long-term sub at my dad's school (mostly because my sister and I think it's funny that hipsters exist in Tulare) and my mom was all "is he single?" (The answer, in case you were all wondering-is no. He has a girlfriend in Spain...because, as a hipster, he spent time there after college).

So I decided that I'm going to make up an imaginary boyfriend to get my mother (and the rest of my family this Christmas) off my case. I think I'll call him 'Drew' and tell everyone I met him at that 'singles Bible study' my mom is always telling me to go to...I already know what I want my ideal guy to be like, so making up a personality shouldn't be difficult...that should keep them off my back for a while.

"Along the Way"

Yes, it is a quarter to 1. In the A M. No, I don't have tomorrow off from work. What I DO have however, (besides insomnia) is a new imaginary boyfriend.
Dear reader(s), I would like to introduce you to Aaron Tveit!!

Seriously...I can't stop watching this.
He is way too adorable. And I realize I am gushing like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
It started about a year ago as a 'voice-crush'. I get these quite often, because I listen to a lot of Broadway Cast albums. I was voice-crushing hardcore listening to the Next to Normal soundtrack without ever having seen his face. That's the beauty of the voice-crush. Faces are unnecessary.
But wait...there's more!
I was watching an episode of Ugly Betty and there was this totally adorable (in a nerdy, hipster way) playwright character. I was in face-crush mode with out knowing the name of said hipster playwright. Roll credits. Seriously. That voice belongs to that face.
Voice-crush + face-crush = yes, I am that shallow.
Then I came across this video today. I am past face-crush mode. I am past voice-crush mode. Enter imaginary boyfriend mode.
And as it turns out, Aaron has a pretty impressive theatrical resume. In addition to originating the role of Gabe in Next to Normal, he as also been a dreamy Link Larkin, a super yummy Fiyero, previewed the role of Frank Abagnale Jr.* (charmingly, of course), and recently rocked out as Roger in the Hollywood Bowl adaptation of Rent. (Alliteration alert on that last one.)
That being said, can you really blame me? How many straight 27-year-olds are there on Broadway? Especially with voices and faces like that?
(I know my sister will totally criticize me for this. She's always on my case about my delusional celebrity boy-crushes. But real boys kinda suck)

*Catch Me If You Can, The Musical workshopped/previewed in Seattle summer 2009. It is currently being nipped, tucked and tweaked for a planned Broadway opening for Spring 2011. Aaron has already signed on to reprise his role. I am already looking at plane tickets to get me there.