One step forward, two steps back...and a few to the side.

You know when you walk into a room, and you can't remember why? So you retrace your steps and hope that something along your journey back in time will jog your memory.

Walking into a room with an intended purpose is forward motion, but once you've entered that room your purpose is unable to be fulfilled, and you're forced to move backwards yet again. That is how I feel right now.

This whole year teaching third grade has been like walking into a room and completely forgetting what I actually needed. But instead of retracting my steps, I just kept searching fruitlessly with no memory what I was actually looking for. I had no purpose for teaching third grade. Then life forced me to retrace my steps...

I will be walking into a new room in the Fall, and I pray that I know exactly why from the second I walk in.

I feel put through the ringer. I have been made to feel unsupported, unwanted, ignored and insignificant. Those are not feelings that come from forward motion, those are HUGE steps backwards.

I have also taken some sideways steps. Not off-the-path steps, just lateral motion. The type of lateral motion that makes a first-year intern think it's okay to audition for a musical. And that it's okay to accept the offer to be a part of a very small and extremely versatile ensemble featured in nearly every number. And that it's okay to take on the added responsibility of dance captain. And that it's okay to offer to help hunt for costumes and sew some too. Even though she is still working on TPAs and needs to pass the RICA. So a little bit off-the-path. (But our show is going to be awesome!!)

Fall-ing in love

and not just with imaginary boyfriend Aaron Tveit, as last night's insomnia induced swoon-fest might imply.
No, I am falling in love with Fall. Or Autumn, whichever. (Although, Autumn-ing in love isn't a pun.)
It is only the first day of September, and it's technically summer for the next 20 days. But this weather implies other wise. See, I have a special talent. It's not necessarily unique. It wouldn't place in a talent show. When I say it it's going to make me sound like some kind of 'let me cleanse your aura-esque' freak. But I can feel the seasons. I can smell them too. It's like weather ESP, I guess. And it feels like fall outside. It has for the past week here in Simi. I don't know how I came into this gift, but I think it's kinda hereditary, cause my mom says she feels seasons too. This isn't a physical feeling of 85 degree weather on my skin. I can feel a difference between a 75 degree day in Spring, and a 75 degree day in Autumn. I can't describe the feeling, but it's there. I am so glad.
Autumn is BY FAR my favorite season of the four. I feel it is also the most elusive, though. I grew up in a part of California where there were two seasons: Hot and Foggy. Maybe a day or two in between of nice weather, but despite the temperature outside the feeling of the season was still there. The feeling of summer winding down, and the excitement of winter. I don't know. It's tingly. In a good way.

I am such a freak. I know.