By nature, I'm not a big risk-taker. When it comes to making decisions that will impact my future, I will hem and haw and go back and forth. I don't gamble, mostly because change will somehow be involved. If there is something I want...I can either sit around and wait for it to happen to me (low-risk) or I can go after it (high-risk). If I sit around and wait, chances are I will never get to experience whatever it is that I'm waiting for...however, if I pursue it, things could go one of two ways:
a) I get what I'm hoping for! Things change for the better and I'm happy! (Unlikely)
b) I put myself out there for nothing. Things change for the worse, (and potentially get awkward) and I could end up worse off then I was before.
I have been known to tell my students after nap: "if you take too long to put your shoes on, you will miss out on story-time" and I feel like I need to start taking my own advice. If I take too long, if I don't take initiative, I will miss out on so much.
I wish I could just let go and let the dice decide...
Seriously. These are the things that keep me up at night.
When the not-at-all-a-jerk, Linus-esque guy you like doesn't like you back
Because he likes someone else
Who is your friend
And likes him, too
I'm just starting to wonder why is it always me? Or I guess the question should be 'why is it never me?'
Sometimes I wear make-up, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I painstakingly choose an outfit, sometimes I wear jeans and a sweatshirt. Sometimes I blow dry my hair, sometimes I stick it up in a ponytail. It doesn't seem make any difference either way.
I give up! That's my New Years resolution...giving up!
The way I see things, there are basically two kinds of guys: Davids and Linuses. As in David and Linus Larrabee. Let me break it down for those of you who are not familiar with the 1954 Audrey Hepburn classic Sabrina.
Linus Larrabee, Sabrina Fairchild & David Larrabee
(Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn & William Holden)
~*~
Sabrina Fairchild is the daughter of a chauffeur. The Larrabees' chauffeur, to be exact. The Larrabees have two sons. Linus (Humphrey Bogart) and David (William Holden). Sabrina has always had a crush on David, because he's handsome and charming, but he never really noticed her until she went to Paris, learned to cook and got a make-over...then he's all over her, even though he is engaged (as part of a business deal). But David, being the cad that he is, asks his brother Linus to "keep an eye on Sabrina" so he can keep up the charade of his engagement...I don't want to spoil the ending, but you get the gist.
Guys like David are quite a catch, at least on the surface. They are captivating, handsome, and just all around dreamy. It is really hard to see a David for what he really is unless you're on the outside looking in. You're just so entranced by this charming fellow you've set your sights on. But underneath that enchanting exterior is a heart-breaker. Confidence turns into cockiness...charm turns to smarm...and even if you once held his interest, his attentions are now elsewhere. Davids are NOT nice guys.
Then there are the Linuses. In the movie, Linus was portrayed as a bit of a grump. Supposedly not as handsome as his brother (but let's face it...he was still Bogey!) Linus was more serious, and therefore, not as obvious of a choice. Linus is a nice, genuine guy. He doesn't use a phony facade. He doesn't really need to. His appeal is in his 'nice-guy-ness'. His real, not-for-show nice-guy-ness.
David might be charming, but Linus is the prince!
Almost every guy I have ever had a crush on has been a David. Davids are the reason I am bitter and cynical and sad. 'Evan' turned out to be a David (although, I kinda saw that one coming) 'Jon' was a David (The worst kind of David, too...the David that tries to make you think he's a Linus). The only Linuses that come to mind are my ex-boyfriend and the guy I think I might kind of like now.
But for reasons that I won't discuss over the internets, things obviously didn't work out with my ex...or he wouldn't be my ex
And things aren't really working out with this new guy...because I'm not a Sabrina. Or at least not a post-Paris/make-over Sabrina. I don't stand out as 'that girl'. In fact, I've actually been told that I'm 'just one of the guys' (after complaining that I wasn't being treated like a lady...but I'm gonna chalk that one up to the fact that my guy friends are mostly a bunch of Davids).
Five episodes in, and I am hooked on the new Fox series New Girl. At times, I think this show is partially based on my life. Essentially, it is about a girl who is quirky and weird, and likes being quirky and weird, and through her quirkiness and weirdness ends up being pretty adorable (or in the show's word: 'a-dork-able'). I can totally relate to the main character, Jess, because being adorable is my thing! People are always saying things to me like, "Oh, you're a preschool teacher, that's adorable." "You have a crush on a guy, you're too cute." And yeah, working with 3 and 4 year olds is super cute. Especially when instead of napping (like they're supposed to), they kick you, hit you, laugh at you and make you so frustrated that you cry*. And I'm not sure why but somehow my having a crush on a guy who probably will never feel the same way seems 'cute' to my married friends. Yes, sometimes I think my life is just too cute for me to handle. Doing all the quirky and weird and 'adorable' things I do every day is exhausting. It's actually pretty hard work being this adorable all the time....but I guess someone's gotta do it.
(What can I say?)
*To be fair, that was an isolated incident...I really do love my job
Remember elementary school? When you had a crush on someone, you would show them how much to liked them by teasing them, calling them names and/or chasing them around the playground. I want to know at what age 'normal' people start owning up to their feelings...because I'm pretty sure I'm still a bit of a second grader when it comes to this kind of stuff. About a week ago I needed some advice about an issue I was having with my car. Cars are super confusing for one thing. Pounds of air? Inches of air? What is that about? Also, can my car just come right out and tell me what is wrong with it. Like, if I need air in my tires, can there be a light on my dash that actually says 'tires need air' instead of some crazy hieroglyphic? Anyway, this isn't about my car, or her tires...it's about the question I had about my car. Someone (male) gave me some actual information...and my reply was snarky and sarcastic. My MO is my cynical charm...and for some odd reason it's not working...
Why do I always do this? Whether I 'like like' a guy, or we're just friends....why am I mean?
I got a job!! A part-time job, but my subbing gig at the preschool has blossomed into a permanent position. I work with the 3 year-olds from 1:30-6:00! I've got quite a few stinkers in my class (out of 11 students, 6 are only children, with whining, grabbing, and pushing tendencies.) These little ones definitely keep me on my toes, but I've got some sweet-peas as well. I am absolutely loving it so far. I come home absolutely exhausted at the end of the day, but it's a good tired. A fulfilled tired.
The Bad:
"They" say Autumn is here, but I have yet to believe "them". There has maybe been one nice day (under 90) so far this month. Add shaking walnut trees and harvesting cotton to this extreme heat, and we have had 4 'bad air days' in a row. Which means we have to call the kids in early from outside, but it also makes being outside with them absolute HELL. It is also reeking havoc on my allergies. I'm starting to think this weather might actually kill me.
The Confusing:
Last May I met this guy...we'll call him 'Evan'. I do believe I have a crush on him, and he has nearly pushed 'Jon' out of my head. It's just...this whole 'boy thing' is so hard for me. From what I know of Evan so far, I feel like we'd be a pretty good fit, I guess. He called me about a week ago (he must have gotten my number from someone, 'cause I never gave it to him) to ask what I was doing that night...but don't get too excited. He just needed me to fill in for him for something he wasn't even going to be there for. Then he texted to say that he didn't need me after all...
I can no longer be trusted to pick out my own guys. I keep choosing the wrong ones. I have had a crush on different versions of the same guy since I was probably in 8th grade. I definitely have a 'type'; both in physical appearance and personality. Tall, athletically-built, fairly good-looking, charming but snarky, teasing, and ultimately kind of a jerk. They are all exactly the same, as is the pattern of stages I go through with each one. There's the 'butterflies in my stomach stage'; the 'he's not that far out of my league' stage; the 'I'm pretty sure he could like me back' stage; the 'now he's just leading me on' stage; the 'I need to just get over him' stage; and it always ends with the 'how could I let him break my heart?' stage...and this is why I refuse to go on picking my own guys. I will no longer acknowledge that fluttery feeling I get in my tummy because I know exactly where it will lead. So I either need someone to choose crushes for me, or I need to teach whatever part of me that controls the butterflies to find a new 'type' and train myself to set my sights on a higher caliber of guy...
Yes, it is a quarter to 1. In the A M. No, I don't have tomorrow off from work. What I DO have however, (besides insomnia) is a new imaginary boyfriend. Dear reader(s), I would like to introduce you to Aaron Tveit!!
Seriously...I can't stop watching this. He is way too adorable. And I realize I am gushing like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Bieber concert. It started about a year ago as a 'voice-crush'. I get these quite often, because I listen to a lot of Broadway Cast albums. I was voice-crushing hardcore listening to the Next to Normal soundtrack without ever having seen his face. That's the beauty of the voice-crush. Faces are unnecessary. But wait...there's more! I was watching an episode of Ugly Betty and there was this totally adorable (in a nerdy, hipster way) playwright character. I was in face-crush mode with out knowing the name of said hipster playwright. Roll credits. Seriously. That voice belongs to that face. Voice-crush + face-crush = yes, I am that shallow. Then I came across this video today. I am past face-crush mode. I am past voice-crush mode. Enter imaginary boyfriend mode. And as it turns out, Aaron has a pretty impressive theatrical resume. In addition to originating the role of Gabe in Next to Normal, he as also been a dreamy Link Larkin, a super yummy Fiyero, previewed the role of Frank Abagnale Jr.* (charmingly, of course), and recently rocked out as Roger in the Hollywood Bowl adaptation of Rent. (Alliteration alert on that last one.) That being said, can you really blame me? How many straight 27-year-olds are there on Broadway? Especially with voices and faces like that? (I know my sister will totally criticize me for this. She's always on my case about my delusional celebrity boy-crushes. But real boys kinda suck)
*Catch Me If You Can, The Musical workshopped/previewed in Seattle summer 2009. It is currently being nipped, tucked and tweaked for a planned Broadway opening for Spring 2011. Aaron has already signed on to reprise his role. I am already looking at plane tickets to get me there.
I just got back from a bachelorette party in Vegas! Yeah, I know. It wasn't really my style, but I wasn't the bride (obvi). One of my roommates from college is marrying another friend from college in just under a week, and so we celebrated her almost-not-single-anymore-hood. It was fun, we road-tripped over and stayed at the Flamingo. Hung out by the pool (lifeguards!!) then got gussied up and headed out for the night. We had a nice dinner, saw some hot Aussies and then got wrist-banded to get in to a club for free (I enjoy being a girl?) Dancing, dancing, dancing...then bride-friend introduces me to some guy who was talking to her. He was good-looking and we talked for a minute or two, but it didn't really get anywhere. Now, I was excited about this trip, I brought a new green dress and wore my sexy black-patent heels. I felt pretty, and even though I new nothing could or would or should happen (because I'm not that girl) but, I thought that maybe I could even get hit on. And now there is this guy who is very not un-attractive. (Not my type, but not un-attractive)...and I lost it a little bit. There was no visible problem in this situation...but there was a problem. One that I didn't know existed until that moment... He wasn't Jon. How much longer is this going to go on? I can't keep letting my hang-up on that boy get in my way, but I don't know how to quit him. salkjdhfalfdadf...I'm just so frustrated (mostly with myself)
