Human Again

Ugh...I human-ed today. I try so hard not to do that in front of other people.

But I human-ed, and I human-ed BIG TIME, and I human-ed in front of a large group of people.

Since 2012, I have been blessed to serve as a presiding minister for the congregation I grew up in. This is a role I take very seriously. I still wonder why my pastor chose me for this, because I mess up. A lot. Like I am one of the most human humans to ever human. I am a frazzled, flustered mess of a human like 90% of the time. The other 10%, I'm probably sleeping.

Although worship is not about me, I do not want to detract from the worship experience of others by being under-prepared, or by seeming like I'm not taking the role with respect and reverence. I make sure to dress professionally, skip the sloppy bun and actually do my hair and put make up on my face.  In short, I don't want to look like a mess. I cannot portray the humanity within.

But something happened. My mic went out, it threw me off (which it shouldn't have, I've been on stage enough times to know that the 'show' must go on). I human-ed up the benediction, and instead of just stumbling along through the human-ness that was happening, I gave it an extra dose of human by calling attention to the humanity and the way that I felt about my cute outfit, good hair day, and the fact that I actually looked decent in make-up went out the window and I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

Why do I have to human? Why can't I just get it right? Maybe one of these days...

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Okay, in my last post I was all "going to Thailand...brb". And I've been back for four months. I fail at being interesting enough for a blog.
Every time I start to talk about my trip, I get very overwhelmed. I experienced so many different, life-changing things while in Thailand...some good, some notsomuch good.
I rode an elephant
I released floating lanterns (very Tangled)
I hugged orphans
I prayed for tribespeople with various ailments (such as polio)
I painted a bathroom
I danced a traditional Thai dance on stage with my fellow travelers
I stuck my feet in an aquarium and had little fishies nibble my dead skin off
I snorkeled
I took a prayer walk through a street lined with brothels
I hiked in the Himalayas
I ate A LOT of rice (SO. MUCH. RICE.)
I went to Burma
I laughed
I cried
I bled
I worshiped God in a new language
I experienced rain in a way I never had before
I showered in the dark with a gecko
I conquered the language barrier by just smiling at people and pointing a lot (I can also count to 10, and say "hello" and "thank you")
I taught English at a Thai school
...and I did it all without getting Malaria, Encephalitis, or Typhoid!

Now that I'm back, I wish I could say that my life is 100% different than it was before I left, but I've slipped back into old routines. Yes, the experience changed my life, but as I am currently working two jobs, serving as a worship leader and pursuing my teaching credential, I hardly have time to do laundry and take care of myself...I feel guilty that I'm not leading a whole new life, and I hate that 'busy' is my excuse...I hope that once I've got my credential, a stable teaching job (with benefits and an actual living wage) and the time and resources to do so, I'll be able to go back. I want my life to reflect the opportunities I've been given, instead of complaining about the amount of work I have to do.

Drawing a...uh...um...

I have been a presiding minister at Christ Lutheran Church since the beginning of the year. Every other Sunday, I get up in front of the congregation and announce the offering, read from scripture, pray, facilitate confession and preside over communion for two services. I estimate I've done this about 30 times. I think I have gotten it exactly right once (maaaaybe twice). There is one part of all this that really seems to trip me up. During communion I say the following words while simultaneously breaking bread: "On the night in which he was betrayed, our Lord Jesus took bread, gave thanks, and gave it to his disciples saying: "Take and eat, this is my body, broken for you."
I may be fairly new to presiding over worship, but I am not new to church. So, while I've only been saying these words a couple dozen times...I've heard them said more than 1,000 times in my life. You'd think I'd have them down by now.
But I don't.
I always blank at this part...which leads to me standing there like this:

I have really poor hand/brain/mouth coordination. 

Meanwhile as I stand there awkwardly Lion-King-ing my brain decides to take FOR-EV-ER to tell my eyes to look down at my notes. Again, the coordination thing. I'm not good at it.

I'm just amazed (and honored and grateful and flabbergasted) that they let me keep doing this!