When Will I Be Loved?

The other day I made one of my frequent, off-hand comments about being single. There was probably an eHarmony commercial on or something. I hate those commercials, mostly because I seriously doubt that guys my age are signing up for internet dating...and even if they were, I'm fairly plain looking, and I can hardly justify paying monthly dues for what I can experience for free in real life. I don't need to spend money to be looked over, even if I had the money to spend. Anyway, my mother chided me about being so cynical. She mentioned that I may meet "someone" at my friend's wedding in March, a comment which caused me to scoff. Psh, as if anyone would want to "meet" me. It's been the same thing at every friend's wedding I've been to for the last 5 years. Each one is becoming exceedingly more and more like Noah's Ark...everyone is already two by two, and I'm like the last lone unicorn. 

And why wouldn't I scoff? Why should I be anything but cynical regarding the topic of dating? I don't have any positive experiences to link to the idea of romantic love. As Linda Ronstadt sings "I've been made blue, I've been lied to, when will I be loved?" For the most part, my 'relationships' have been more about rejection and loneliness. My last actual relationship was eight years ago. EIGHT. And I'm expected to remain optimistic about this matter? How can I? 

Generally speaking, I am a fairly positive and optimistic person; but generally speaking, I have had positive experiences in most areas of my life: school, work, friends, etc. This is one area of my life where the bad experiences are far more vast than the one positive experience.

Maybe I sound like I've given up, and maybe I have given up. It's just too exhausting to remain idealistic about it...

It's a Small World After All!

Yesterday, three of my friends and I played hooky (with permission from our bosses, of course) and spent the day at Disneyland! And for once, I wasn't even the nerdiest one in the group. Since we went on a weekday, the lines were pretty short. We started at California Adventure, and we rode Tower of Terror, Radiator Springs Racers (first time), California Screamin', Ariel's Undersea Adventure (first time), and Soarin' Over California. We sat through Turtle Talk With Crush, and Crush talked to me! He gave me a new nickname "Laguna Lauren" duuuuude. Then a hop, skip and a jump over to the Happiest Place on Earth for Pirates of the Caribbean, Big Thunder Mountain, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Space Mountain (twice!), Buzz Lightyear and straight to the front of the line for the Matterhorn (favorite!) because my friend was wearing a Matterhorn shirt. As magical as all of that was the true magic happened, coincidentally, after getting off of It's a Small World. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? Two of my favorite people, the camp directors at El Camino Pines (the second happiest place on earth!) I love that one of the first things they said to me was 'Of course we would run into you at Disneyland'.
Then, Disney magic and Christmas magic joined forces, and we got to hear a beautiful choir singing some of my favorite holiday hymns, and even some scripture readings about the Reason for the Season!

Even though I wasn't able to find a Disney Christmas mug worthy of my collection, it's pretty safe to say it was one of the best Disney Days ever!!

Tis the Season

to be baking!! 

For the past couple weeks I have been doing some little baking projects with my kiddos at work, and I have also been tearing up kitchens far and wide (or maybe just mine and my friend's) with some major adventures in pieland!. Last week for our 2nd annual "Friendsgiving" I made two terrific pies, both entirely from scratch.
Literally...I turned this:

into this:

to create this:

That's right, folks...I pureed a pumpkin for homemade pumpkin pie, just like the pilgrims used to do. I never want to do it again, next year I will be Thankful for canned pumpkin. It's not that it's a difficult process, it's just messy and time consuming. 

The pie was delicious though, some have even called it 'the best pumpkin pie ever!'

What have I been doing lately?

I haven't been feeling very 'bloggy' lately, so I took a little two month hiatus. Part of it was that I was feeling very overwhelmed about what to say about my sister's wedding (which was perfect and beautiful), but now that it's been a while, I don't have to say anything about it. Here is a brief update about what I've spent my last two months doing:
My sister and brother-in-law's wedding (Left); Bachelorette party for one of my best friends/college roommate (Top, Center); Relay for Life (Top, Right); Color Me Rad 5K (Bottom, Center); and because I had to fill that awkward bottom right-hand corner, I got a new phone. It's an iPhone 4. I like it! (Bottom, Right)

I also got a second job, which doesn't leave a lot of time for much else (except for the phone, all these pictures and events occurred pre-second job). I have been working as an afternoon teacher at another preschool for almost a month, and I love working with 3-5 year olds, but spending all day with them is really quite exhausting.

This is Crazy

Contagious pop songs are one of my guilty pleasures. The top song infecting my brain these days would have to be Carly Rae Jepsen's Call Me, Maybe. It is everything a pop song should be: it's catchy, it's bubbly, and it's just plain ridiculous. Who just goes up to someone and says "Hey I just met you, and this is crazy...but here's my number, so call me maybe?" No one. No one does that.

Oh wait. 

I do that.

Okay I don't do that, but I did that. 

Yesterday I had just had a horrible day at preschool. I had been kicked, hit and bitten by a 4-year-old. I had blocks thrown at me, I was called 'poo-poo-butt', and I had to chase said 4-year-old down the hall, twice, as he tried to run away. The entire time he was doing this, he was giggling like a sociopath. I was feeling terrible, and I was about to call my friends and tell them I wasn't going to meet them for dinner after all. But...that would be letting the 4-year-old win, so instead, I came home and changed into something cuter than my preschool garb. 

So there I was at dinner with my friends and sitting at the table behind K and S was the cutest guy (Like, totes, OMG!) But really, he had a super-sweet smile and to be honest, he looked a little bit like 'Jon'. I was smitten. 

Now, we all know I hate taking risks and I'm terrible at talking to guys. I am also trying to get over my I-should-be-wooed-and-was-not-made-to-woo thing, because when it's been 6 years since any kind of wooing has happened anywhere near me, it's probably time to do something. (Although I still think it'd be nice for some guy to take the initiative and sweep me off my feet...but I digress). So after a long discussion (where S pointed out there was a reason I had changed my clothes), we decided that somehow this guy was going to get my number. My friends gave me a choice: I could give it to him myself or they would give it to him for me. So I wrote my name and number on a napkin, and as we were leaving the restaurant, I kinda tossed it at him and muttered 'My friends are making me do this' and ran away. 

But I did it!

Do I think he'll actually call me? Not a chance. Do I regret it? Probably a little, but I'm never going to see him again, so it's okay (and if I do, we have a funny story of how we met!)

At least the day ended up being something other than the day a 4-year-old bit me (it's not like my day could've gotten worse anyway).

Forever Young

Last night I went to a baseball game with some friends and even though our team got smoked (15-4...wah wah) and I suck at eating sunflower seeds (I just don't have the patience to get that little seed out of it's shell, is it even worth it?) it was still a good night. I really do enjoy baseball, it's easy to follow and I usually have a vague idea of what's going down on the field. We got to sit in a box because of a 'friend of a friend' situation, and that was really cool! The fireworks got cancelled, which was a bit of a bummer, but after the sun went down the blazing heat subsided leaving us with a rather pleasant evening.
In the box next to us was this family, a mom, a dad and two young daughters (I'd say probably about 5 and 7). Anyway, this happened:
Guy: "You're probably around 15, 16...right?"
Me: "Actually I'm 26"
Guy: "I'm so sorry...I was just hoping you could talk to my daughter, she wishes she was a teenager."
So I proceed to tell the girl to enjoy being a kid, growing up is not all it's cracked up to be yadda yadda...
Then the guy asks me: "Ok, now how much do I have to pay you to tell her to stay away from boys?"
Me: "That is a speech I will give for free!" Which led into my "Boys-are-gross, they-are-nothing-but-trouble, they-all-have-cooties" schpiel.
I've always looked younger than my age, so when I actually was 16...I looked more like I was 12.
In fact, I was so convincing as a 12-year-old my parents would usually make sure I got a kids' menu at restaurants. I hated it. Not only was that down right offensive, but it was also humiliating and traumatizing and 'ohmygoshI'dratherdie'. But now I think it's funny. It's a compliment. 10 years from now (when I'm close to 40...ack!) it'll be nice to get mistaken for someone in their twenties!

An actual picture of me from my high school years...I think I'm 15 here, even though I look like a 5th grader.

Why moving back home was the best decision I didn't get to make for myself.

Exactly a year ago today, I made the necessary move back into my parents' house after the devastation of losing my job. After the move, I felt small, I felt defeated, and I felt incredibly depressed. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a purpose, and I didn't have an ounce of independence. I didn't want to do anything...I couldn't do anything except watch Penelope on a loop all day. I had lost any reason I had ever had for getting out of bed.

A year later...I can say that moving back to Visalia has been the biggest blessing in my life!

Friends- I have a sitcom-like group of people in my life, and I'm not sure how I got this far without them! I have been more social, been on more adventures, and have had some of the most fun I can imagine in this past year: Beach days, mountain weekends, theme parks, 5Ks, Denny's, spontaneous ice cream runs, movie nights, sock golf, movies, mini golf, game nights, sevies runs, you name it! These people make my life better then it's ever been!!

Work- I feel like I have really found my footing teaching preschool. I really feel like this is what I was meant to do. I still get to hang out and help out with the youth, which I love doing...but my heart is that of a preschool teacher. I am so much happier in this career then I was in youth ministry. I get to hang out with children every single day. I get to do arts & crafts, I get to sing silly songs, I get to hold tiny hands and I get to hear things like "Miss Lauren, you look pretty today"...such a self-esteem boost!! I work with an amazing and supportive group of women so I pretty much have the best job ever!

Church- I have always considered my church here in Visalia to be my home. I literally grew up at Christ Lutheran, and the members of that church are my family! Ever since I've been back, I have felt so supported and encouraged. I feel so filled with worship, and ironically...the church that has known me since I was a baby treats me more like an adult and with more respect than the church that I worked for. I have even been honored to serve as a presiding minister, which has been so incredible. I am so humbled to be trusted with such a big responsibility.

It is incredible to look back and reflect on the awful experience of losing my job and see all the good that has come from it. Even though I'm still stuck in my parents' house...I can confidently say my life is about 88% better now then it was in SoCal

So blow the candles out, my dear...

Today is my birthday, and I love my birthday!!

I have gone through a lot over the past year. Moving out of my apartment and back into my parents' house four days into my 25th year led to a rocky start, but 25 ended up being a great year! I met a lot of new people, and I made some terrific friends who have blessed me tremendously! Now I can only hope that 26 is just as (if not more) great.
As amazing as this past year has been, it's still a little hard for me to cope with that fact that I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be in my life by the time I crossed the threshold from 'early to mid-twenties' to 'mid- to late twenties'. Although, my dad was 39 for several years...surely, I can hang on to 25 for a little while longer.

I want to keep having birthdays, but I don't want to get any older until something changes. I like the birthday crowns, and the birthday wishes, and the birthday blessings, and the birthday dinners...and I love the birthday bikes!

Okay, maybe 'birthday bikes' shouldn't have been plural. I just got the one. But it's pink and it has a little basket, so I think I'm good there!

I did have a great day: my friends surprised me last night with pie and ice cream, my kiddos sang to me today and my parents took me to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner! I just want to keep all the fun stuff, but stay away from the birthday blues!

Adventure Weekend Part II: The Color Run

The world is a carousel of color...wonderful, wonderful color!!
After a day full of Southern California stereotypes (beach, Hollywood, etc), my friends and I participated in The Color Run 5K. I had never done a 5K before (I mean, I've definitely walked 3.1 miles in one go, but I've never paid for it before, unless you count walking around Disneyland). That whole 'running for fun' thing has never really appealed to me. Running makes me sad, and I just don't like it. BUT! The Color Run is not your typical 5K, it is less of a run and more of a party!
Everyone starts out looking (more or less) like this:

Everyone is wearing white shirts...but don't worry, they don't stay white for long! At every kilometer there is a team of people waiting for you to jog through their station so they can throw powdered paint at you! So everyone is jogging and throwing paint, and there are these color clouds that just engulf you so that by the end you look like this:

Covered in color...ain't it beautiful?

Adventure Weekend Part I: Hip-Hooray for Hollywood!

It really is true what they say: 'When it rains, it pours!' Luckily, I love the rain...especially when 'rain' is a metaphor for out-of-town adventures!!
This past weekend I ventured over the grapevine for the second time this month (two weeks in a row!) This time, not only did I have a travel-buddy...but I was also relieved of any and all driving responsibility. I literally didn't have to do anything but sit back and enjoy the ride! And enjoy it I did!! A good friend and some good music and we arrived in no time! Our destination: Jess's apartment!
Jess had a beach day planned...so after getting settled, and gathering our beach gear we were off to Malibu...but it wasn't nearly as warm as we were expecting (but that didn't stop us from having fun!)
We decided to leave the beach and head back for a little tourist action. Jess lives pretty close to Hollywood, so after she gave us a tour of the studio she works for...we headed into Tinseltown.
I had seen parts of the Walk of Fame before...but it's always exciting to look for your favorite star's star!

'The Producers' have adjacent stars!!

We wandered down the boulevard a bit and all of a sudden there it was:

Grauman's Chinese Theatre!! 

It is so much fun to see all the hand, foot (and sometimes hoof) prints of so many movie legends. I was having a hard time containing my excitement...I mean, almost all my favorites were there: Doris, Bing, Julie, Dick, Danny, Frank, Johnny, Rock...and then there were these three:

The hand, foot & wand prints of Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe & Rupert Grint (aka Hermione Granger, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley!)

The newest addition to my personal Walk of Fame mug collection

We ended the night with delicious burgers at Mel's Drive In...
...the weekend was much too busy to contain to one post, the adventure will continue in part II

It's the perfect blendship!!

Best friends + Lunch + Shopping + Coffee + More shopping + Pizza (& cheesy bread) + At home-spa night + Mani/pedis + Drinks + Chick flicks + Giggles + Brunch + Celebrity sighting + Antiquing = Perfect weekend!

I got to visit two of my 'fristers' (friend+sister) this weekend. I haven't seen the girls since October, so this visit was long overdue!! It was like college all over again (in a good way). After a quick stop at her lab, Kathy took us to a giant mall...where she tested our shopping stamina (Kathy's shopping skills cannot be matched). After mall walking (which was good training for my 5k!) we decided to stay in for the night. We ordered a pizza and we were all in jammies by 7:30! We had an old-fashioned, no-boys-allowed slumber party...just like the old days!

This morning, we drove to downtown Orange for brunch, and there just happened to be a car show happening. It was like stepping into a time machine! And of course, no Southern California experience would be complete without a celebrity sighting! We noticed Milo Ventimiglia (Jess from Gilmore Girls) checking all the cool old cars.

At first we thought it was just a hipster taking pictures...then we realized it was a famous hipster. We didn't want to bother him...but I kinda wanted to. First, seeing celebrities is still kind of a big deal for me. I am from the central valley, we don't have many celebrities in these parts. Second, Gilmore Girls was what these girls and I bonded over all those years ago in the Freshman dorms at CLU!! In part, we owe our friendship to that show!

I just love that even though we spend a lot of time apart, we always pick up right where we left off when we get back together!!

Easy as Pie!

I am thrilled to announce that so far this year I have already checked two items off of my 'bucket list'!!

I made a snow-angel:

And if you're thinking 'Wow I can't believe it took you 25 years to accomplish this small life-experience!' (which I know all of you are) consider the fact that I live in an area where it never very rarely snows. But a few weeks ago I got to spend a cabin weekend in the snow, and not only did I get a relaxing weekend of girl-time, but I got to meet a tiny goal as well.

My second item was more of an personal accomplishment. Ever since I discovered the joy of pie-making, I've always wanted to make my own pie-crust. I must admit that when it comes to baking pies I am, in fact, a "cheater cheater pumpkin (pie) eater". Pillsbury's pre-made roll-out pie crusts have enabled me to fake it 'til I bake it! They are tasty and convenient and unintimidating.

But this weekend my stress-baking senses were tingling, and thanks to a pie cookbook my sister got me for Christmas, I decided I was going to tackle this project!

Just a few simple ingredients: flour, salt, sugar, butter, shortening, ice water

A little stand-mixer action,

And...voila! Pie crust

It was pretty easy to make...but a pain in the butt to roll out, even so, my triple berry was pretty delish!

Turkey Lurkey time!

I am thankful for Thanksgiving, which is one of my favorite holidays. I love everything about it. I love watching the parade on TV (although, I'd love to see it in person someday). I love the smell of turkey roasting in the oven. I love setting the table all fancy. I love the food coma. I even love cylindrical cranberries!! In fact, the only thing I do not like about Thanksgiving is losing at Phase 10. I really do not like losing at Phase 10. Like...at all.

But, I am thankful for a house to lose at Phase 10 in, a family that loves me, a job I love, and a car I can drive to Target at midnight. Yes...I participated in the madness of Black Friday and I will never do it again! There were so many people, and they were all so rude! I accidentally bumped one woman, so I said I was sorry and she responded with the most sarcastic 'yeah' I have ever heard in my life. It was ridiculous, and gross and I will never wait in a line that long again unless Space Mountain is at the other end. Actually...I don't even like to wait that long for Space Mountain, I usually just get a FastPass! I did get some pretty sweet deals, though...but not worth the insanity!

I am also thankful for the day after Thanksgiving (and not because of the $40 Anne Taylor Loft cardigan I got for $15 at the outlets) but because I celebrated one of my favorite NEW holidays...which has been dubbed 'Friendsgiving'! A holiday for all the 'Relaters' to get together for turkey, fixings and good times...I do believe a new tradition was born last night!! I am so thankful for that group of people! That crazy, dysfunctional, inappropriate, lovely, wonderful group of people!!

So...if you have a roof over your head, food in your stomach, and/or a group of bizarre people you tend to hang out with....be thankful!

Going to the chapel!

Yesterday one of my oldest friends got married...she's not old as a person (she's only 25), just old as a friend. Emily and I met at church and have been friends since about first or second grade. We went all the way through Sunday school, confirmation, high school and youth group together. And I was honored to be invited to take part in this special day with her! The ceremony was beautiful, the bride was gorgeous, the groom was beaming from ear to ear and the reception was fantastic!

The reception was held at the Visalia Country Club, which I had never been to before. It's a pretty swanky establishment so it's a good thing I had my classy hair-do...or they probably wouldn't have let me in. It was great to see some friends from high school again, as well as some of their parents. It was kind of weird, though...trying to figure out how and when we all became grown-ups. I mean, ten years ago I never would have imagined sipping champagne with people whose fridges I'd raided at so many sleep-overs. I mean, sharing a dance floor with moms and dads that were like second parents through high school...weird, right?

But it was a really fun reception, the food was terrific and band was rockin'. I even got to dance with the cutest guy!! Granted, he was probably about 7, but he definitely had 'those moves like Jagger'! I love dancing at weddings! I didn't even take my shoes off...I lasted all night in my 3" heels...you should be impressed!!

Congrats to Emily and Drew...I know you two will live happily ever after!

Let the wine of friendship never run dry

...or in our case, the margaritas of friendship!!

Back during our sophomore year, we went to this comedy club. One of the comedians was this guy who was gay...when he saw the group of us sitting in the front row, he said "A group of women on a night out? In my neighborhood that's a lesbian bowling team." We've since embraced that moniker, and this weekend we got the 'team' back together.

When the four of us get together, we get transported back to old times. We cooked a 'family dinner', talked about our lives, our loves and the things we do to pursue happiness, and you can't forget the pitcher of pomegranate margaritas we shared! So many things have changed since we've graduated from CLU, we've been through weddings and engagements, an international move and a baby, loss of job, and loss of family. I can't imagine what life would be like without these fabulous women in my life. Well...I do imagine I might have a lower credit card payment, but it's so hard not to buy that dress when your friends are telling you how great you look in it. Increasing debt is a small price to pay for the best friends a girl could ask for (and a dress that fits like it was made just for me!!)

Then on my way back up on Sunday, I stopped to see Jennie again and to officially meet her baby (last time I saw him he was sleeping, and only a week old). Three amazing friends, and the cutest 'nephew' ever...I am so lucky!

Oh! What a (not so) Beautiful Morning...

I've been house-sitting for the past few days, and it's been really nice to have a place to myself, about an hour away from my folks' house. Well...that is until this morning. When I locked myself out of the house. In my nightgown.

I went out to give the doggies their breakfast, and apparently, the back door automatically locked behind me. Beautiful. Now I'm in my nightie, my phone is inside, and I don't know ANYONE in Fresno. So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I hopped the gate so I could be in the front yard. I waited until someone came jogging by, flagged him down, and asked if I could use his cell phone (now, if my life were a TV show, he would have been cute and in his mid-to-late twenties; but because this is my life and not Rachel Green's, he was in his 40s and kinda gross). Then I did what I always do in a crisis. I called my mommy since her's is one of the few numbers I actually have memorized...and she used to work with the mother/mother-in-law of the people whose dogs I'm watching. I asked her to call her friend to come rescue me somehow...

Then, I hopped the gate again and waited. And waited. And threw the ball around for the dogs. And waited. And then my beautiful sister (whom I love dearly) begrudgingly came by with the key so I could finally (after two and a half hours) get back in the house.

Does this stuff actually happen to other people? Or is it just me? Cause if it's just me, then other people are totally missing out on feeling like constant screw-ups!

lately...

So I've discovered that the unemployed lifestyle provides absolutely nothing to blog about. I thought trying to keep life exciting was hard before, but when you have to actually force yourself to leave the house because you've realized its 3pm and you've been inside all day, you really know something is wrong.

Last week, however, I did have a nice Disney-day with a friend. That was exciting. I'm always up for a trip to Disneyland and a catch-up with Tabby!! (More the Tabby part, though, since D-land is a crowded mess during the summer...and I'm not just saying that because she's one of the five people who reads this).

Um...I saw a community production of Fiddler on the Roof last night, that was good!! My goddaughter was in it, just as an extra, but I still love seeing her on stage!

Just trying to figure out how this 'being an unemployed adult living at home' thing works. I'm trying to be very careful with phrasing things. Like saying 'my parents house' instead of 'my house' so I don't get too comfy here and decide to never leave. I'm also trying to cut out some time for myself each day. I take my self on coffee dates, just so I can be sure to leave the house everyday.

Hedgehogs and flamingos

A friend of mine is 'all about lawn games this summer', so she invited me over for iced tea and croquet. I had never played croquet before, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! The weather is definitely heating up, but today wasn't too warm for a couple rounds and some long overdue catching up.

The thing about croquet is that it seems so quaint and civilized that it made me feel much more cultured and polished than I actually am. When you play croquet you find yourself using words like 'quite' and 'perhaps' in normal conversation.

I had so much fun, I think someday I might even purchase my own mallets, wickets and croquet balls!

Youth Workers Retreat

I had an amazing time this weekend at ECP. An entire weekend spent with friends, in worship, and learning to take care of my mind, body and soul. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've gotten to worship without having to be "on", and I was glad to have the opportunity this weekend to do so. It was very refreshing to get to take the time to go to one of the places I consider home and to be with some of the people I consider family.
"Self Care" was the theme of the retreat, and it's one of those things that I've never been good at. I know I've said I'm selfish, and I am. I get caught up in myself and my own thoughts, but that's not the same as taking care of myself. In fact, I spend a lot of time and effort taking care of other people. Not only because my job involves look after the well-being of others, but also because I don't have many people in my life and I feel that if I take care of them, I won't lose their friendship. I do have to admit that having the retreat at ECP was a blessing and a 'curse', especially given the theme of the retreat. I absolutely love it there...but for some reason, I can't not work at camp. I need to take care of things and I need to take care of people, and it's very hard for me to be a 'guest' at El Camino Pines. Still, the retreat was just what I needed.
The weekend was full of good company, prayers, friends, beer, worship, wine, games, dance parties and the rare chance to be around peers.
Then there was this morning's worship service. Which was great. But difficult.
The sermon had to have been especially for me. Pastor Catie said everything I needed, but nothing I actually wanted to hear. Sometimes it's hard to listen to exactly what you need to hear.
It's even harder when you're hearing the words out of your own mouth. I was asked to read the 'prayers of intercession' and every single prayer I read could have been written by my own heart. Offering God our imperfections, giving God our worries and the real clincher: asking God to save us from our cynicism. Crap.
Cynicism is what I do to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's my shield. My way of coping with things I don't want to face. Which is most of my life right now.
There is a certain 'situation' that I am particularly unwilling to face, and unfortunately it's becoming more and more inevitable. I have been praying for clarity, and of course there have been so many indications, especially this past weekend, that I need to face this situation head on with maturity instead of avoiding it and being sarcastic. Even driving home from the retreat I was slapped not only with the RK song "I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" but also by the lyrics of Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes song 'Poison Ivy'..."it's all a big 'what if', what if I'd spoken up for what I wanted". Things don't happen if you don't act to make them happen. (But I'm still asking myself what I want to happen).
Then there was this picture that greeted me after I checked my 'google reader' to catch up after the weekend:
OK, OK, OK...I know that getting this off my chest is probably the healthy thing to do, but no matter the result (and I'm unclear what kind of result I'm looking for), things would change, a change I'm not sure I'm ready for. For lack of a stronger word. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Pity Party

A few weeks ago I decided I was going to throw a little Halloween 'get together'. I invited all friends that live within an hours drive of my place. I thought it'd be fun to have friends over and play games and hang out and have an excuse to wear a costume. A good handful said they'd come...some were even bringing friends/husbands/etc. Some didn't say anything (which I think is kinda rude, but whatevs) and most said they wouldn't be able to make it. One of the friends who couldn't make it said it was because they had already made other plans. I just found out the 'other plans' were for tonight. My thing was supposed to have been last night. Unfortunately, one of my 'yeses' had their work schedule changed, so I ended up going out to dinner with some girlfriends.
Which was better, because I got to see one of my former roomies from college (I would've seen her anyway, but we were able to catch up a lot better in this setting). I am glad that we got to hang out, I hadn't seen her for nearly a year and a half, since she and her husband moved to Italy and just recently returned...and some with HUGE news!!
I'm just bummed out and feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any friends that actually live in Simi...they're all over the place: Costa Mesa, Camarillo, Northridge, Frasier Park, Thousand Oaks, Visalia, Washington...but none in Simi.
B/c none of them live nearby, I have no one to call when I'm bored, and I know some of that has to do with the fact that I'm probably the world's least exciting person ever...
It's another "chicken/egg" scenario. Am I boring because I'm under socialized, or am I under socialized because I'm boring?

Well, I just finished watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" for the second time this Halloween season, so I think it's time for bed...