What's the Big Ideal?

I am Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling and Perceiving...aka INFP...aka an Idealist.

The perks of being an idealist is that I always see things for how they could be.

The downside of being an idealist is that I always see things for how they could be.

I sometimes can use my sense of idealism to look at a situation and find ways to improve it. I can use my sense of 'could' for good! But too often, my sense of idealism gets in my way. I see things the way they could be, they way I would like them to be, and then when things don't turn out that way, I end up strongly disappointed.

My idealism coupled with my over-active imagination often leaves me wistful. In fact, I think I have lost track of how things are 'supposed' to be, even though I deal with so much reality. However, I am still so caught up with how I feel things 'could' be, I have a hard time accepting the fact that this might be as good as it gets.
My hope has been dashed so many times, and yet it is still so strong. It could get better. I could have it all. I could be fulfilled in my work. I could meet the love of my life. I could become a wife and and a mother. Could.

But could I?

Because realistically, I am working in job in which there is no room for advancement. A job I had 6 years and less education ago.

I have been off and on several online dating sites for the past 2 years and have had 3 total dates. All were first dates. No second dates. Why? Because it's weird dating strangers. These guys were okay, I guess. Nice enough guys, to be sure. But there was nothing there.
Maybe my idealism is getting in the way. Maybe it's my sense of entitlement. But my hope for a guy I actually like is just too high. Then again, I might be hoping and could-ing so long that I'm looking for something that simply does not exist. I could be living a life that is constantly setting myself up for disappointment and loneliness. But I'm used to that by now.

I'd rather settle for disappointment than settle.

Life is a Cabaret

I am currently in a production of Kander and Ebb's musical of Cabaret. I play Fraulein Kost with the added bonus of getting to also dance in the Kit Kat Klub.
As a dancer, I have been itching to sink my character shoes into a show with some serious Fosse-style choreo, so when I heard that a local community theater was going to take on Cabaret, I knew I had to go for it. I thought I would land among the dancers, as I almost always do...so I was surprised to land the sizable supporting role of Fraulein Kost. This musical is unlike anything I have ever done before. My character is seriously reprehensible. She is sexy, though I play her with my signature touch of humor.

Here is a list of things that Fraulein Kost is:
-A prostitute with a long list of sailors as clients
-A dancer in a seedy night club
-A self-serving and manipulative 'witchy-poo with a B'
-A Nazi sympathizer

Here is a list of things that I am:
-A preschool teacher
-A person whose heart bleeds for 'the least of these'
-A caring friend
-AN ACTRESS!!!!

Please do not confuse me with my character. Please do not think that when I am on stage in fishnets I am acting as some alter-ego that is somehow emerging forth. Please do not make comments about getting to know "the real me" after seeing me perform. I hate...HATE these types of comments. I know they're likely teasing, but I got these comments after playing a 'lovely lady' in Les Miserables and I'm getting them now.
The real me is the me I am every day. Off-stage. Cracking jokes, having feelings, not speaking lines memorized from a script someone else wrote.
The me on stage isn't me at all. The movements I make on stage are movements I was directed to make. The words I say are words someone else wrote. The clothes I wear are a costume someone else chose. I'm not even playing the role I initially auditioned for!!!!!!
Lauren is more likely to pick up the knitting, the book (though probably not a broom), than to dance in a real life Cabaret. Fraulein Kost
makes an appearance in the kick line every night!

What possess me to audition and perform in roles so opposite from my real life? Well...my real life is boring, and it's fun to take that 'vacation' on stage every night. It's nice to live as someone else. That doesn't make me anything like my character...I'm still just me!

The Gambler

Life is like a slot machine.

You either win big, or lose it all...but if you choose to play it is very unlikely that you are going to end up with the same amount of 'money' you initially started out with. At least this is my approach. Maybe it's too cautious, or too cynical, but it's my take.

The way I see it is like this: You have $5, you can keep your $5 and feel great about having something to your name, it may not be much, but it's more than nothing. You can choose to gamble that $5 by putting it into a slot machine, you may double your money or even win the jackpot! But you could lose it all. You never know. Would I rather have $10 than $5? Yes, of course. That's an easy answer! I want to win the whole freakin' jackpot. BUT! I'd rather have $5 than nothing at all, and since no jackpot is guaranteed, and I don't know the outcome, it is safer to keep my $5 in my pocket than to play the game in the first place.

I gambled a bit with 'Jon' (remember him?) of course, that was a bit one-sided, so maybe that was only about $2.50, but it took a while for me to get my full $5 back anyway. I decided I hated gambling and wasn't going to anymore. Anything less than $5 in my pocket just isn't worth the risk. Recently, I was in a situation where I was forced to play my hand (or rather Mr. Dude, we'll call him "Joe", forced me to play his hand for him...and I know I am mixing my gambling metaphors). I started by putting the money in one dollar at a time, I pulled the lever, and started getting some return on my gamble. Not jackpot level returns, but enough that I felt safe putting in the whole $5. Perhaps I was overly optimistic, could it be that I finally hit a lucky streak? This never happens! Of course it doesn't...because at the next pull of the lever, I lost it all! Just like I always do.

What upsets me the most is that I should know better. I let my guard down, I gambled, I took a risk. I got let down. I'm not surprised. These are the things that happen to me. I'm disappointed for sure, but mostly in myself for letting this happen. I lost my head for a minute, and I'm smarter than that. I know better than to let my self get swept away. I'll eventually get my money back, and this time I'm sewing my pockets shut!

Table for one

With some new found time on my hands I have actually been cooking my own meals lately. Not just reheating leftovers from restaurants, or nuking Lean Cuisines, but real life cooking. Yes, most nights I still just forage around my kitchen for food components that can be put together to comprise something resembling a meal, but that is because the reality is cooking for one is HARD.
Yes, it takes the same amount of energy, makes the same mess, uses the same amount of utensils and takes the same time as cooking for more than just myself, but what comes at the end of cooking for one? Eating alone. And that can take a lot of mental energy!
I have just slaved away cooking this fabulous meal, and I have no one to enjoy it with. No one to shower me with compliments over how delicious it is. No one to make me a back up dinner if it sucks. Just me. And sometimes, I have tons of leftovers.
Yes there are pros to being single. I dictate my own life. No one moves my keys, I get to decide what's for dinner, and I live in a very girly apartment. (There are pink pillows on the sofa and a picture of Pointe shoes on the wall). I can decide where I go and when I go and what goes on the grocery list.
But it's mostly lonely. And no one seems to talk about that. All you hear about is how empowering being single can be. But most of my friends are in relationships.

So this is my call to action, for all people who are married or in relationships, if you have single people in your life. Invite them out with you, call them up, don't forget about us. We're not all out living some fabulous unattached #nostrings life. Mostly we're trying to figure out what to do with our leftovers, or measuring out a single serving of pasta.

This is real life. Most people want to be with other people. Not all of us are lucky enough to be in romantic relationships, but shutting out those who haven't found 'the one' just because you have, isn't fair.

Don't feel sorry for me because I'm single, but acknowledge that I need to be around people, and sometimes I need to cook for someone other than just myself...

And this fajita pasta was really good!

On the outside looking in....

Yesterday I walked a mile and a half barefoot.
Not to prove some grand point about how some people don't have shoes, but because I did something very very stupid. Again.
I locked myself out of house while taking out my trash, and when I couldn't creak into my own house...I walked over to my parents' house to see if I could break in there to get my spare key.
Because I can't lock myself out when my parents are in town and can come bring me my spare key. Of course not. Life is never that easy for me. My parents are in Hawaii. So after a series of phone calls trying to either track down a way to get into my own apartment or finding someone with a spare key to my parents' locked-up house so I could get in and and get my own key....I finally (two hours later, and depending on several people for help, which I hate doing) was able to get back into my house. Still shoeless, tired, hungry and completely done with how utterly stupid and idiotic I have been.

Again I ask...does this stuff actually happen to other people, or have I been singled out for some sick experiment...like a Job situation or something....

Human Again

Ugh...I human-ed today. I try so hard not to do that in front of other people.

But I human-ed, and I human-ed BIG TIME, and I human-ed in front of a large group of people.

Since 2012, I have been blessed to serve as a presiding minister for the congregation I grew up in. This is a role I take very seriously. I still wonder why my pastor chose me for this, because I mess up. A lot. Like I am one of the most human humans to ever human. I am a frazzled, flustered mess of a human like 90% of the time. The other 10%, I'm probably sleeping.

Although worship is not about me, I do not want to detract from the worship experience of others by being under-prepared, or by seeming like I'm not taking the role with respect and reverence. I make sure to dress professionally, skip the sloppy bun and actually do my hair and put make up on my face.  In short, I don't want to look like a mess. I cannot portray the humanity within.

But something happened. My mic went out, it threw me off (which it shouldn't have, I've been on stage enough times to know that the 'show' must go on). I human-ed up the benediction, and instead of just stumbling along through the human-ness that was happening, I gave it an extra dose of human by calling attention to the humanity and the way that I felt about my cute outfit, good hair day, and the fact that I actually looked decent in make-up went out the window and I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

Why do I have to human? Why can't I just get it right? Maybe one of these days...

Join the Family Business

My dad is a retired elementary teacher.
My mom is a retired elementary teacher.
My grandmother taught elementary school for a bit.
My sister has an elementary teaching credential.
I fought becoming a teacher for so long, but it's hard to fight something that has been surrounding you your entire life. You could say it's in my blood. And yes, I teach elementary school.

But teaching is just what I do, it's not what I am. What I am is a performer. With education so deeply rooted in my genetics, this performance tendency must be a fluke, right? Maybe not quite.

I grew up not only as the daughter of two teachers, but also as the daughter of a musician. My father's love for music is something very valuable that he has passed on to me. He taught me and showed me how to appreciate music, and the importance of challenging myself.

Teaching was just something my father did, but what my father is is a musician. During his teaching career, he brought his guitar into his classroom. He made time to be in a band. He 'jammed' with buddies. And for the past 20 years, he has been a constant fixture in our church's praise band as both a guitar player and drummer.

Dad and I singing at church camp-1993ish

When my dad retired from teaching, he had plans for his music. He was going to perform. He spent money on equipment, he put together a demo CD, he took voice lessons. He started getting gigs at retirement centers and such. But now, he is playing at farmer's markets, private parties and in downtown Visalia!

So yes, teaching is what I do...but what I am is a feather duster, a cloth merchant, a prostitute, a naval nurse, a scientist, a wardrobe consultant, and whatever else I want to be!