What's the Big Ideal?

I am Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling and Perceiving...aka INFP...aka an Idealist.

The perks of being an idealist is that I always see things for how they could be.

The downside of being an idealist is that I always see things for how they could be.

I sometimes can use my sense of idealism to look at a situation and find ways to improve it. I can use my sense of 'could' for good! But too often, my sense of idealism gets in my way. I see things the way they could be, they way I would like them to be, and then when things don't turn out that way, I end up strongly disappointed.

My idealism coupled with my over-active imagination often leaves me wistful. In fact, I think I have lost track of how things are 'supposed' to be, even though I deal with so much reality. However, I am still so caught up with how I feel things 'could' be, I have a hard time accepting the fact that this might be as good as it gets.
My hope has been dashed so many times, and yet it is still so strong. It could get better. I could have it all. I could be fulfilled in my work. I could meet the love of my life. I could become a wife and and a mother. Could.

But could I?

Because realistically, I am working in job in which there is no room for advancement. A job I had 6 years and less education ago.

I have been off and on several online dating sites for the past 2 years and have had 3 total dates. All were first dates. No second dates. Why? Because it's weird dating strangers. These guys were okay, I guess. Nice enough guys, to be sure. But there was nothing there.
Maybe my idealism is getting in the way. Maybe it's my sense of entitlement. But my hope for a guy I actually like is just too high. Then again, I might be hoping and could-ing so long that I'm looking for something that simply does not exist. I could be living a life that is constantly setting myself up for disappointment and loneliness. But I'm used to that by now.

I'd rather settle for disappointment than settle.

Table for one

With some new found time on my hands I have actually been cooking my own meals lately. Not just reheating leftovers from restaurants, or nuking Lean Cuisines, but real life cooking. Yes, most nights I still just forage around my kitchen for food components that can be put together to comprise something resembling a meal, but that is because the reality is cooking for one is HARD.
Yes, it takes the same amount of energy, makes the same mess, uses the same amount of utensils and takes the same time as cooking for more than just myself, but what comes at the end of cooking for one? Eating alone. And that can take a lot of mental energy!
I have just slaved away cooking this fabulous meal, and I have no one to enjoy it with. No one to shower me with compliments over how delicious it is. No one to make me a back up dinner if it sucks. Just me. And sometimes, I have tons of leftovers.
Yes there are pros to being single. I dictate my own life. No one moves my keys, I get to decide what's for dinner, and I live in a very girly apartment. (There are pink pillows on the sofa and a picture of Pointe shoes on the wall). I can decide where I go and when I go and what goes on the grocery list.
But it's mostly lonely. And no one seems to talk about that. All you hear about is how empowering being single can be. But most of my friends are in relationships.

So this is my call to action, for all people who are married or in relationships, if you have single people in your life. Invite them out with you, call them up, don't forget about us. We're not all out living some fabulous unattached #nostrings life. Mostly we're trying to figure out what to do with our leftovers, or measuring out a single serving of pasta.

This is real life. Most people want to be with other people. Not all of us are lucky enough to be in romantic relationships, but shutting out those who haven't found 'the one' just because you have, isn't fair.

Don't feel sorry for me because I'm single, but acknowledge that I need to be around people, and sometimes I need to cook for someone other than just myself...

And this fajita pasta was really good!

The Peace Cookie (a.k.a. The Salty Cookie Test)

As I spend my Friday night alone, watching Bridget Jones and folding laundry...I'm starting to wonder how I got to be in this situation. The alone part, that is. The folding laundry and Bridget Jones parts are obviously my own doing. The alone part might be as well...due to my pickiness. Although, it's hard to be picky when there is nothing to pick from...which is totally beside the point.

Back in college, I lived with a group of amazing girls! I still call these girls my roommates, although we haven't shared living quarters for nearly 3 and a half years (has it really been that long?). We have shared so many things: clothes, memories, inside jokes and food. Jennie was notorious for having us try her food if she thought it tasted weird. She would often say things like 'This milk tastes bad...try it' or 'does this cookie taste salty to you?' Once during our Junior year, we were having dinner in the caf, and joining us was this guy 'Tom' that one of the girls was kinda, sorta seeing. As we passed the cookie around, tasting it for saltiness, the cookie (or peace cookie) got to 'Tom'. He refused to take a bite. There was a place on the edge that hadn't been bitten yet, but he wouldn't taste the cookie. I think this was the beginning of the end of 'Tom'. For some reason on that night, eating that cookie was a big deal to us.

This all seems so silly, but whenever I start to kind of like a guy...there is a little voice in the back of my head asking 'Would he eat the cookie?'

If that makes me too picky...so be it!

The answer is NO!

NO, Aunt Liz...I DON'T have a boyfriend yet and no I WON'T buy 'a push-up bra and a v-neck sweater'
NO, Gramma...I HAVEN'T met anyone and I'm NOT going to go flirt with random guys at the baseball game. (Also, they were Dodger fans anyway...and I'm pretty sure rooting for the Giants is part of my DNA)
Sorry, women of my family, that being single is something you feel like you need to cure me from. Trust me, it's not something I'm proud of. I wish I could be one of those girls who is a 'proud, single woman', but that's not me. I'm not saying that I feel like a need a man in my life, just that it hasn't been a picnic watching from the background while all my friends start to pair off and get married. It's seriously like Noah's freaking Ark...
I'm not proud that I was all but set up with a groomsman at a good friend's wedding a few months ago, only to watch said groomsman hit on one of the waitresses all night instead. (We were seated next to each other and the only single people at our table...it was painfully obvious what was going on, though he seemed painfully oblivious)
I'm not proud that I am apparently invisible to members of the opposite sex.
I'm not proud that I am usually in my jammies by 9pm on the weekends because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do.
I'm not proud that I have to go to movies alone because my friends have already seen them with their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.
I'm not happy that I am missing out on opportunities to hang out with my friends because I'll be the third, fifth or sometimes even seventh wheel.
These are actually some of the things that I lose sleep over.
Sometimes I think...'but, hey, I'm only 24...I've got time'. Then there are the times that I am reminded of how many married friends I already have. And that my mom was 24 when she got married. And then I think 'crap, I'm already 24 and I haven't been on a date for nearly 5 years' And then I think about how the only boyfriend I have ever had-the only guy who has ever given me a second look-has already been married for over a year.

Now I'm thinking that I'm probably too young to be labeled a spinster, but it's not entirely inappropriate...