Why moving back home was the best decision I didn't get to make for myself.

Exactly a year ago today, I made the necessary move back into my parents' house after the devastation of losing my job. After the move, I felt small, I felt defeated, and I felt incredibly depressed. I didn't have a job, I didn't have a purpose, and I didn't have an ounce of independence. I didn't want to do anything...I couldn't do anything except watch Penelope on a loop all day. I had lost any reason I had ever had for getting out of bed.

A year later...I can say that moving back to Visalia has been the biggest blessing in my life!

Friends- I have a sitcom-like group of people in my life, and I'm not sure how I got this far without them! I have been more social, been on more adventures, and have had some of the most fun I can imagine in this past year: Beach days, mountain weekends, theme parks, 5Ks, Denny's, spontaneous ice cream runs, movie nights, sock golf, movies, mini golf, game nights, sevies runs, you name it! These people make my life better then it's ever been!!

Work- I feel like I have really found my footing teaching preschool. I really feel like this is what I was meant to do. I still get to hang out and help out with the youth, which I love doing...but my heart is that of a preschool teacher. I am so much happier in this career then I was in youth ministry. I get to hang out with children every single day. I get to do arts & crafts, I get to sing silly songs, I get to hold tiny hands and I get to hear things like "Miss Lauren, you look pretty today"...such a self-esteem boost!! I work with an amazing and supportive group of women so I pretty much have the best job ever!

Church- I have always considered my church here in Visalia to be my home. I literally grew up at Christ Lutheran, and the members of that church are my family! Ever since I've been back, I have felt so supported and encouraged. I feel so filled with worship, and ironically...the church that has known me since I was a baby treats me more like an adult and with more respect than the church that I worked for. I have even been honored to serve as a presiding minister, which has been so incredible. I am so humbled to be trusted with such a big responsibility.

It is incredible to look back and reflect on the awful experience of losing my job and see all the good that has come from it. Even though I'm still stuck in my parents' house...I can confidently say my life is about 88% better now then it was in SoCal

Promises, Promises

Every year, during Lent, my church makes a devotional booklet filled with a daily story or reflection written by members of the congregation. This year, I was asked to write a little 'sumthin-sumthin' and if you don't mind, I would like to share it here! (If you do mind, you don't have to read it!)

When God makes promises, God keeps promises. When God promised Abraham that he would be the father of many nations, God kept that promises. However, the promise was not fulfilled the way that Abraham envisioned. God fulfills promises in very creative ways. Just as Abraham was surprised that his wife Sarah --who was very old-- would give birth to a baby, I was surprised when at 25 years old, I was faced with a career change.

Sure, I’d had several jobs since graduating from high school; camp counselor, sales associate for the Gap, office errand girl…but in terms of an actual career, there was only one for me. I was going to be a youth director! I had majored in Religion, I had interned here at Christ Lutheran and after many interviews I had finally landed a position at a church in Southern California! This was pretty much all I had ever wanted.

As with most things that seem too good to be true…this was. After a year and a half of working for this church, I ended up losing my job. I felt like I was taking a huge leap backwards. True, I wasn’t happy in SoCal…true, I wasn’t finding my footing in youth ministry like I thought I would...but facing the fact of moving back in with my parents wasn’t something I was ready for.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” So I know God promised to take care of me…I just wasn’t sure how. God always has the plan, and I had to trust that…I just couldn’t see how God’s plan would fit in with my plan. But, God doesn’t work that way. God fulfilled His promise to me when I was offered a job at ChristKids preschool. A job that has all the components that attracted me to youth ministry: sharing the love of Jesus Christ with young people. God continues to take care of me, and God continues to teach me that His plans are not my plans….and that’s probably a good thing

New Beginnings

Happy New Year!!

2011 was a bit of a roller coaster what with losing my job and moving back in with the folks. However, if I hadn't had to move back here...I probably wouldn't have (unintentionally) kept my resolution from last year which was: "This year I need to make more friends, try not to be so much of a homebody, and not to spend next NYE alone, doing laundry and blogging in my sweat pants watching Carson Daly's schpiel on NBC"

Yes, I had to force myself to get out of the house once I moved back, but connecting with the 'Relate' group at my church helped me to make more friends. Friends I spent New Years Eve with. A New Years Eve I spent away from my house. So...that was one blessing that came from the crappy hand I was dealt.

Another blessing is the job I have now. I love working with preschoolers more than I ever thought I would. I was on the youth-ministry track for so long, I never even considered this as a career. Now, here I am going back to school so I can broaden my preschool teaching horizons!

I still love working/hanging out with youth, but after spending 3 days in San Diego with 21 middle- and high- school students but I've realized: I am just so much happier in the role of chaperone.

This year is already off to a great start.

I am worship leading at my church (doing things the ELCA says I'm not technically qualified to do...yikes!)

I am switching to mornings at work, and keeping some afternoon hours as well (getting closer to full-time!)

I am back in school...although the jury is still out on whether or not I'm excited about this

and...I get to be the maid of honor in the wedding of a very close family member!!

Bring it on, 2012!!

Put it into practice...

I 'follow' the ELCA on twitter...well, I follow a lot of people/organizations on twitter, but who ever is in charge of tweeting on behalf of the ELCA will once in a while ask a really awesome 'think about it' question. This past Saturday the question was 'Do you remember your confirmation verse?' And I actually have a really interesting 'relationship' with my confirmation verse.

When it was given to 15 year-old me at my confirmation, I was like 'sure, this verse is, like, cool and stuff'. Then I tucked it away in my Bible and didn't really give it much thought. I'd revisit it from time to time, but it didn't really click what my verse was about. The meaning of the verse was fairly clear, but I didn't understand why my pastor had picked this verse for me. I didn't get it.

In fact, I didn't 'get' why my pastor chose this verse for me until about 2 years ago.

The verse is Philippians 4:9 "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice and the God of Peace will be with you". The entire book of Philippians is a letter from the Apostle Paul to the church in Philippi, and in the fourth chapter (the last chapter) Paul is leaving the Philippians with some final instructions and encouragement. With this particular verse, Paul is encouraging the recipients of the letter to follow in his example of ministry and spread the word of Christ to the community.

Now there's some back ground on the verse, here is some background on 15-year-old me and why she didn't think this verse particularly applied to her:

When I was 15 I was toying with the idea of being an interior designer when I grew up. And while I knew I was still going to go to church and 'all that stuff' I didn't really see myself going out into the community to talk to people about Jesus...well, not intentionally, anyway.

Then about four years later, I decided to declare as a religion major in college. I came home from college for the summer and was asked to help with the 7-12th grade class for vacation Bible school at my home church. The next winter, I was asked to come along as a chaperone for the winter retreat. I talked to my youth director. I talked to the current youth director. I talked to my pastor. I talked to my parents. I talked to them about the possibility of going into youth ministry. These two small fortes into being a youth leader sparked a fire. Working as a camp counselor fanned the flame, and all this time, my confirmation verse stayed tucked away in my Bible and tucked way away in the back of my head.

After graduating and devoting one last summer to ECP, I made several attempts to be a youth director in the 'real world'. I got a bunch of 'no's which was incredibly discouraging. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be in youth ministry after all. Then my mom told me the story about how I used to teach Sunday school to my stuffed animals. After nearly a year of 'we're looking for someone with more experience', I approached my pastor and the current youth director at the church and asked if I could do some sort of 'internship' at the church in order to gain the 'experience' that I lacked. I got the 'job'. And my own office!! As I was getting my new office all set up, I decided the bevy of Bibles I have would look good on the shelves, and as I was placing my 'Teen Study Bible' up on the shelf, I decided to thumb through it. I found the slip of paper with Philippians 4:9 typed on it that I had received at my confirmation.

I was taking the things that I had learned and I was putting them into practice. This verse that was 'cool and stuff' may not have applied to 15-year-old me, but youth director me has discovered a whole new side to this verse that makes me wonder if my pastor knew something back then that I didn't...

On my own

Sometimes I wish I had someone to me take care of me. Some days I just don't want to come home to any empty apartment.
Tonight the adult fellowship committee was caroling, and I was asked to bring Spark (our elementary ministry) along. One of the moms suggested a Christmas craft, so I told her I'd pick up the beads and pipe cleaners and she'd bring her little darling (who, a couple weeks ago, decided that it would be a good idea to draw people drowning when we drew pictures of Noah's Ark). We started at 4, did our little ornament craft, sang to some shut-in members of our congregation and came back. The grown-ups enjoyed a baked potato bar and I decorated cookies with the kiddies. It wasn't until afterwords, the woman who helps me with the children's ministry told me that this woman had told her that she was upset that we did the craft she had suggested before caroling up in the youth room instead of after caroling down in the social hall.
I think what bothers me the most is that this woman didn't tell me how she felt, but rather sent a messenger in her stead. We're not in high school anymore...you can tell me yourself if you think pipe cleaner ornaments are cooler than decorating gingerbread cookies (or, in the case of this woman's son...gingerbread headless zombies with blood spurting out their necks).
I think what bothered her the most was that the craft she suggested was done as a 'Spark' activity and not part of the AFC thing. I'm sorry, I don't want to seem rude, but I am not a babysitter...if you want to do something as part of YOUR activity then YOU can plan it. I'm not there to keep the kids at your event occupied while the grown-ups do their thang! I am not part of AFC, I am in charge of youth and youth activities. If you want to have a child activity as a component of YOUR event, I will come, I will participate, but if you give it to me to plan and it doesn't happen where when and how you want it to, don't get offended. I am not the youth chair on YOUR committee...while I am open to suggestions, I am just doing my job as the youth director of our CHURCH. Not your personal children's activities co-ordinator.
Sorry about that rant, I just don't have anyone to come home to so, even though I'd like to, I can't unload this on an actual human being.
I'll probably delete this post tomorrow because I'm sure once I'm not so upset anymore I'll feel guilty about posting this (even though nobody really reads this and I didn't use names)

Youth Workers Retreat

I had an amazing time this weekend at ECP. An entire weekend spent with friends, in worship, and learning to take care of my mind, body and soul. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've gotten to worship without having to be "on", and I was glad to have the opportunity this weekend to do so. It was very refreshing to get to take the time to go to one of the places I consider home and to be with some of the people I consider family.
"Self Care" was the theme of the retreat, and it's one of those things that I've never been good at. I know I've said I'm selfish, and I am. I get caught up in myself and my own thoughts, but that's not the same as taking care of myself. In fact, I spend a lot of time and effort taking care of other people. Not only because my job involves look after the well-being of others, but also because I don't have many people in my life and I feel that if I take care of them, I won't lose their friendship. I do have to admit that having the retreat at ECP was a blessing and a 'curse', especially given the theme of the retreat. I absolutely love it there...but for some reason, I can't not work at camp. I need to take care of things and I need to take care of people, and it's very hard for me to be a 'guest' at El Camino Pines. Still, the retreat was just what I needed.
The weekend was full of good company, prayers, friends, beer, worship, wine, games, dance parties and the rare chance to be around peers.
Then there was this morning's worship service. Which was great. But difficult.
The sermon had to have been especially for me. Pastor Catie said everything I needed, but nothing I actually wanted to hear. Sometimes it's hard to listen to exactly what you need to hear.
It's even harder when you're hearing the words out of your own mouth. I was asked to read the 'prayers of intercession' and every single prayer I read could have been written by my own heart. Offering God our imperfections, giving God our worries and the real clincher: asking God to save us from our cynicism. Crap.
Cynicism is what I do to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's my shield. My way of coping with things I don't want to face. Which is most of my life right now.
There is a certain 'situation' that I am particularly unwilling to face, and unfortunately it's becoming more and more inevitable. I have been praying for clarity, and of course there have been so many indications, especially this past weekend, that I need to face this situation head on with maturity instead of avoiding it and being sarcastic. Even driving home from the retreat I was slapped not only with the RK song "I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" but also by the lyrics of Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes song 'Poison Ivy'..."it's all a big 'what if', what if I'd spoken up for what I wanted". Things don't happen if you don't act to make them happen. (But I'm still asking myself what I want to happen).
Then there was this picture that greeted me after I checked my 'google reader' to catch up after the weekend:
OK, OK, OK...I know that getting this off my chest is probably the healthy thing to do, but no matter the result (and I'm unclear what kind of result I'm looking for), things would change, a change I'm not sure I'm ready for. For lack of a stronger word. Crap. Crap. Crap.

"what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Well first of all...I don't want to grow up. So that's simple. I specifically chose a career which would be severely hindered by my 'growing up'. In order to work with youth, I need to remain young...
When I was in college and I finally declared a major (religious studies) I spent a great deal of time thinking about what I could do with that major. Spending summers helping out at my home church, and later, working at camps...I really found a passion for working with kids and teenagers. I enjoy spending time with them and teaching them about the Bible and 'that Jesus guy'. I really like my job.
Except...
There is one question that every youth director in the history of youth directors gets asked, and last night it was my turn. In fact, when rating yourself on the Jon Acuff scale of youth-tastic-ness* being asked this question is worth 10 points of youth-tastic-isity. The question is:
"Are you ever going to become a real pastor?"
Because I work in the fantasy world of Never-neverland...well, I guess I kind of do since I refuse to grow up anyway. But my job is very real, and very important.
About a year ago I was at a youth worker's extravaganza and I sat down and had a beer with one of my former youth directors who is currently a "real pastor" in Wisconsin, or Minnesota or one of those Lutheran-y states in the middle of the country. He told me that he used to get asked this question alot. His response was "I'm already a real pastor". He hadn't yet been through seminary. He wasn't allowed to consecrate the elements, and with his blue goatee, I doubt our pastor ever let him actually get up in front of the congregation and preach...but doing ministry, even if it is with youth, is a real job. Providing pastoral care for teenagers is a real thing. No, I haven't been through seminary, and right now I am not feeling any call towards ordination...but my job is very real, and really important.
Right now I am very happy in youth ministry, and while I have thought about getting my masters in Youth and Family Ministry...I have no future plans to become a "real pastor"...it's not my choice anyway

*oh...and beeteedubs-I got a 78!

You know you've made it when...

...your pastor-boss asks you to 'teenager sit' for his daughter while he and his wife are out of town.

I was driving around town today, and I realized that it's been over a year since my interview. Two weeks will mark the 1-year anniversary of finding out I've been hired, and on December 7th I will celebrate my year-iversary at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran.
I can't believe it's already been a year. On the other hand, I can't believe it's only been a year.
I don't know when it happened or how it happened, but eventually my title changed. When I started I was 'the new youth director' now I'm just 'the youth director'...I don't know where the 'new' went, but I'm not sad it's gone.
I've had several jobs in my life...camp counselor, youth, sales associate, preschool aide, office grunt...but never in my life have I had a career! Like...for realsies!!

Whoa...

...

Had the following conversation with one of my kids tonight during a game of Apples to Apples:
Student "why are these cards so sticky?"
Me "because I let high schoolers play my games"
Student "Oh..."

This is my life.

What happened?!?

Some nights, last week for example, amazing things happen in the youth room at Shepherd of the Valley Lutheran Church.
Some nights...are tonight.
Last week, we had incredible discussions, my students were focused and engrossed. I had them each bring in an article, comic strip or song lyric that deals with religion in one way or another but isn't necessarily from a religious source. One of my girls brought in a political cartoon that had us talking for a good fifteen minutes, sometimes even debating, with my students asking questions that I couldn't answer. It was incredible. Even our tangents were on the ball. I did very little talking, which is always a good thing, because that means the students are carrying on the conversation without me. I was so proud.
Tonight it was like I had a whole different group of kids. It's like someone took my insightful little darlings from last week and replaced them hyperactive look-a-likes. Don't get me wrong, I love my students, they are so full of energy and have a way of simultaneously keeping me young and (on nights like tonight) giving me gray hair. We didn't even get to Bible study tonight. I could tell during highs and lows that I didn't have them. So we tried to recap what we've been talking about in Acts, and I tried to get them to calm down enough for us to at least have a conversation, just a catch up, but one of my girls couldn't stop giggling the entire time, and the boys all wanted to play sardines the whole time.
Let's pray that next week we can find our focus and can get "our Jesus on"...well...we're in Acts, so it's more like getting "our Paul on"

Teenagers...you give them an inch and they swim all over you...

I Wish I Could Go Back to College...

This is the title of a song from the musical Avenue-Q. A show I haven't seen yet, and could probably give or take, to be honest. Most of the songs I've heard from this show are pretty raunchy (even if they are mildly entertaining). But some of them are pretty applicable (I've thought about adopting 'There's a Fine, Fine Line' as my personal theme song several times), and about a year ago, the song 'What Do You Do With A B.A. In English' seemed to echo my thoughts exactly. In fact substitute 'English' for 'Religious Studies' and that song described my plight to a 'T'. Now, I've moved on. I have discovered exactly what to do with a B.A. in Religious Studies. I became a youth director. And a grown-up. Which means I have more responsibilities than I have ever wanted in my life. I hate being an adult. I love being a youth director though. Especially on the third Thursday of the month...Network Lunch day. Today's lunch, however, was held at CLU. It was so strange to be back. On my drive over, all I could think about was the pressure of Rally Day this Sunday and the thoughts that kept going through my head were I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then and I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door
Then I got there, I drove through campus on my way to the chapel and then end of the song came to me But if I were to go back to college, think what a loser I'd be-I'd walk through the quad, and think "Oh my God...these kids are so much younger than me."
Really...I'm three years old than the seniors, which means I am six years older than the average college freshman. Being back on that campus made me feel so OLD. The campus hardly looks the same, there are so many new buildings, and yet somehow it seems so much smaller.
I see all these students in their tank tops and flip flops and cut offs, and I drive in in my grown-up car in my khaki pants and my knit top and my flats. I looked like an adult, and I looked older than these...these...kids. I didn't feel older than them though, or I didn't want to. I am definitely hitting my quarter life crisis. This is the worst feeling ever. I am rebelling against adulthood as best I can, and it's not an effective rebellion...

Heads Carolina

It's the third Thursday of the month, which can only mean one thing...NETWORK LUNCH!!
I love network lunch day! Once a month, I get together with a handful of other youth directors in the Channel Islands conference of the Southern California Synod of the ELCA and we eat, talk about life and ministry and commiserate with each other about how junior high kids can be little punks sometimes.
There is something about talking to people who have the same job as you that just clicks. I can talk to my friends about work all I want...but until you can share in the frustration of planning a totally cool event and having no one show up for it, or having to scramble at the last minute to find a male chaperone for a lock-in...you just can't 'get' my job.
That, and some of my friends think I'm certifiably insane to opt to spend my time with teenagers...
I love all my friends dearly, but the network...them's my peeps!
And once a year all the youth directors of all the conferences of all the synods of all the regions of the ELCA are invited to one big party called 'The Extravaganza'. Which is awesome-sauce.
You get to learn about how to teach young'uns about 'that Jesus guy' and how to be good at your job. Plus, it's good renewal for those of us who spend most waking hours with students to have a week of being an adult around other adults. Fun adults. Who act like teenagers...
Last year the 'E' was in Charlotte, NC...and it was my first one ever and it was amazing and I loved it and I can't wait to go to the next one.
And I have a point, I promise...
I bought this mug at the airport...ha!
...yeah...not a very good point...