I'm Alive!

Just got back from seeing next to normal in L.A. and I would love to be able to put into words the experience of this show, but I'd probably fail at it because I can't find apt words for how I felt while seeing this show. I'll just have to go with a few scattered musings instead.
First of all, I'm glad I brought tissues because I am not ashamed to say that I cried. A lot.
I knew going in from hearing the music that this show was going to be a roller coaster of emotions. Dealing with mental illness is never pretty. I thought since I knew the score of this show so well, I had a decent idea of what to expect. The songs tell the story, but seeing it adds a whole new dimension. The songs hold so much more meaning now that I can put stage direction and human emotion to them.
Alice Ripley NAILED it...I mean, the lady won a freaking Tony for playing Diana...but she isn't using her Tony to 'phone in' her part. She sounded a little hoarse, but for her character it worked. And she worked. Hard.
Asa Somers was terrific (and kinda dreamy) as Dan, and Emma Hunton KILLED as Natalie!!
Curt Hansen (and/or Perry Sherman) wasn't Aaron Tveit...but wasn't bad. I'm actually not sure who I saw tonight. There was no insert or announcement but based on the photo in the playbill and the view from J 33 it looked like Sherman who is actually the understudy (but it honestly could've just as easily been Hansen). Whoever he was he had the swoopy movement of Gabe down pretty well, but sorta kinda lacked Aaron's mad sexy pole dancing skillz!

I almost wasn't going to see n2n, because my original plan involved my friend who escaped to Tennessee before the show even landed in L.A. But then Monday I decided that even if I had to go alone I wasn't going to miss this opportunity since the show leaves after a Jan 2 performance. Since I got tickets so late, the seats left weren't the best...in fact, because of the multilevel-ness of the set, whenever an actor went upstage I couldn't see their head...but I still got to see it, and I'm so glad I did!! But after seeing such an emotionally charged show, I am spent.
What a way to prep for a new year!

We Are Family

I am home from crazy Christmas extravaganza and I can honestly say that this was probably one of the best Christmases of my life so far. Family, family, family!! Playing Wii, decorating the tree, playing cards, opening gifts, EATING, my goodness...so much food. Gramma doesn't let ANYONE go hungry.
To be completely honest, I was actually a little nervous going into this Christmas. Just because my mom's youngest brother lives so far north and doesn't travel very much (or really get that much time of work, as far as I know) so I was seeing a set of Knights that I hadn't seen in 7 years (the last time we were all at Gramma's for Christmas). I thought it was going to be a smidge awkward, since we don't have much in common. We're about the same age, but that's about it. They are hunters and they kill things and then eat them (in fact, my cousin Ryan's fiance made him squirrel stew out of a squirrel that he shot). We are past the days of hide and go seek and epic quadruple deck games of war...but y'know...family is family. Yeah, we don't have a ton in common in terms of day-to-day life, but we played Apples to Apples and 'Ultimate Go Fish' with the other set of Knights, aka the "little cousins" (the shortest of which, even though she's 13, is 5'7"...we're a tall family). It was a great day!!
Although, I am a little disappointed that there isn't much crazy to report on...

Using Bob Hope's WiFi

As I sit at the gate A2 waiting area at the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank, I realize how grateful I am for free WiFi...not only because I arrived two and half hours before my flight leaves (which, consequently, is 2.5 times the length of the actual flight) but also because I have something quick to say...well, I never say anything quick, but...
I understand that it is wintertime and cold(ish) outside, and people want to come in and be cozy and warm, however...because it is wintertime, people will dress in long pants, long sleeves and possibly have a coat that wouldn't fit in their checked bag because they are bad at leaving room for such things and it was either pack the coat or bring Taboo to a crazy family gathering. People will likely be bundled as only Southern Californians can bundle. Therefore, dear airport, there really is no reason to crank the heat up so high. It is possible that travelers more experienced than myself have packed a set of 'inside clothes' including a pair of shorts and a tank top to change into, but I had far too many other things to put in my carry-on bag, and summer clothes just wouldn't fit.
I get that no one wants to wait in a freezing terminal, but I'm looking around and not exactly seeing people dressed in beachwear...I think we can afford to turn the heater down a few notches...
Thanks!
Love, Lauren

Through the river and over the woods...

It has been raining here for, like, a week straight! The sun finally came out today, and it was beautiful!! (I was secretly hoping for a double rainbow, but the rain stopped shortly after the sun came out...) I've never seen rain like this before, it was incredible!! A little ridiculous, but mostly incredible!!
The next few days are supposed to be sunny, or at least not rainy, for the next few days...but I'm not going to be here. I'm flying to my grandma's for Christmas...the best part is going to be the 4 adults in a Prius road tripping from the Sac airport to grandma's house...and I can't WAIT!! Mostly because my family is CRAZY!!!. First off, 16 people over for Christmas. 5 cousins, 2 aunts, 2 uncles, 3 dogs, 2 cats, 1 step-cousin, 1 cousin-in-law, 2 parents, 1 sister and a grandma who says and does things mostly because she's old and no one is going to say anything back. I will give an example: My grandma came in September and tried to give me money. I told her no. I refused to take it. So what did grandma do? She stuffed it down my shirt!!...yes, apparently, my grandma thinks I'm a stripper. She also says stuff like "Because you'll want to go to church on Christmas eve, I should probably start going again so they remember what I look like there." Oh, grandma...
I am so ready for this crazy to happen!! Bring it on, Christmas, bring it on!!!

But first, I should probably pack!


The picture I'm sending with all my Christmas cards next year...I hope your Christmas is as awkward as mine!!

The Kindness of Strangers (or...what Christmas Spirit looks like)

Tonight was our middle school pajama 'faux lock-in' for Christmas. I think a three hour lock-in is just right for 6-8 graders. We watched a movie, played some games, ate some pizza, and did our gift exchange game. It was a good night.
It didn't start out good though. First off it's raining here...and as much as I love rain, it tends to complicate things a bit. Then I went to pick up the pizzas I had ordered and they kinda mixed up my order so even though I ordered ahead of time, I ended up waiting an extra 10 minutes, which kinda irked me a bit. Once I picked up my pies, I was then charged with the task of carrying 6 pizzas and 2 two-liter bottles of Coke out to my car. I got out the door okay, I was able just to back up right through it (cause my daddy taught me good) then I had to stop and re-adjust the boxes and bottles when some guy asked "can I give you a hand with that?" I said, "actually, yes if you don't mind". The he took the two sodas and followed me out to my car, put them in my back seat and wished me a 'Merry Christmas'. Wow!
This guy, this perfect stranger who probably just wanted to get his pizza and go home, totally made my day. I'll probably never see him again, and even if I do, I doubt I'd even recognize him...but this guy decided that instead of ignoring the girl juggling six pizzas and two bottles of soda, he was going to walk an extra 20 yards in the rain to help a stranger. I am so thankful for this, and I think that this (not to sound cheesy) is what Christmas is all about. Helping people.
I realize that I am incredibly blessed. I have food in my fridge (including some leftover pizza from tonight), a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and a warm bed to sleep in every night. I am also incredibly independent (to the point of being stubborn). I don't ask for help often, and I like to think that I don't need a lot of help. I'm not 'less fortunate', in fact, I am very fortunate. But everybody needs a little helping hand every once in a while...and I am grateful that there are people out there willing to lend one!

All in a day-off's work...

I love when my phone rings on a Saturday. I especially love when the voice on the other end greets me with, "sorry to bother you on your day off, but..."
This just happened. In fact, I had a parent call me to ask what time the middle school Christmas party was going to be. The same Christmas party that I sent a postcard, an email, a flier home from confirmation, a notice in the bulletin, AND have announced in church for the past two weeks.
This is another prime case of 'I love my job, I do, but...'
I mean, it's not like I actually have a life, since none of my friends live close-by, but I'm really trying NOT to make my job my whole life. Sometimes I need days off, everyone needs days off. It's how I recharge. If I work 24/7 or even 8/7 I would get so burned out that I would become less effective at my job. My weekends are MY time. Not that I do anything with my time...but, if I don't have separation now, then my workaholic ways will become a habit. Someday I could have a husband, and a family and at that point I will need my days off to spend with them. Now I'm enjoying having days to veg out, or bake 6 dozen gingerbread cookies with out having to think about my job.

Lauren Locks and the Three Bears

I'm very persnickety. I always have been and I always will be.
Sometimes being picky is an asset. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's just there.
I spent, like, a hour today at Target picking out a Christmas card. It wasn't even for me, but I had to find one that wasn't too cheesy, or too schmaltzy, or too whatever. I had to find the ONE card that was just right
I am always looking for that 'just right' thing. It kills me because, sometimes 'just right' only exists in my imagination...Maybe I should learn to let go of silly things like Christmas cards, but I think there are some areas where I can still afford to be picky, such as:
My hair. We don't always get along, my hair and I, but I at least try to get it 'just right'. Last year I got this horrible hair cut...I wish I'd been pickier with the hair dresser.
Shoes. They have to be cute and comfortable. They can't be just cute. They can't be just comfortable. If my shoes aren't both, forget it. The true test...can I stand a whole day walking around Disneyland AND want to post the pictures on Facebook? Obviously this test isn't for EVERY shoe, I have some heels that I wouldn't wear to Disneyland...but don't upset my feet too much for normal day-wear.
Purses. Can't be too big, can't be too small. I hate purses that are just one big pocket, but I also hate purses that are so structured getting everything in and out is like a jog saw puzzle. And if it's my day-to-day purse, it has to be a neutral color so that if I'm wearing black, brown or blue I'm not going to clash.
And last but not least...
Boys. For me this is where my pickiness comes in as an asset...mostly. I turned in my rental car today, and the cute enterprise guy was driving me over to the body shop to get my car. Commence small talk. Then he said 'hella'. Maybe I'm too picky, but that's a deal breaker (not that there was a 'deal' or whatever, but y'know)
HELLA?!?! Who says that?! Ew.
Am I being too harsh?

My grown-up Christmas list

Obviously, as I've gotten older, the things I'm asking Santa for are becoming less frivolous and more useful. Gone are the days of asking for Barbie's Dream House, games for my gameboy, and Garth Brooks cassette tapes. Grown-up Lauren asks for more grown-up things, like Beauty and the Beast on DVD, or fun kitchen stuff. One thing on my list that I'm really hoping for is what I used to refer to as 'a whir-er' but is actually called an electric hand mixer (which would make mixing electric hands so much easier)
Okay, as much I want it for Christmas, I kinda want it now. Do you know how hard mixing 4 3/4 cups of flour in 1/2 increments is when you do it by hand? The first few are no problem, but once you're three cups in, it takes some serious muscle to incorporate that junk! It wouldn't be such a big deal, except I'm afraid that by the end of this holiday baking season I'm going to have one arm bigger than the other from all the stirring I'm doing.
Tonight I made the dough for ginger bread cookies (it has to refrigerate overnight, so I'll roll out the cookies and bake them tomorrow). Also, tomorrow I'm making gingerbread cupcakes and frosting for both sets of baked goods. FROM. SCRATCH.

I love to bake. I'm not sure why, cause I hate to cook, but baking is so much fun for me. I can't wait until the smell of gingerbread is wafting through my apartment. It's such a more joyful scent then, say, soup.

The prodigal blog

...so my original blahg that disappeared from the interwebz last week has decided it wants to be my blahg again.
I will continue to post here (andthetown.blogspot.com) because this one doesn't look like I posted 90-someodd entries in two days

Angels We Still Hear on High

So I'm sitting in my office...listening to Christmas music and trying to pretend it's not 79 degrees outside, and the Relient K version of Angels We Have Heard on High comes on...well done, Pandora.
I was immediately reminded me of one Christmas past when I was going somewhere with my dad and for some reason he let me drive. I had 'Deck the Halls; Bruise your Hand'-RK's first Christmas album-in my CD player and this song came on. My father (a man who deems any music released post 70's is garbage and not worth lining your pet's cage with) had a knee-jerk reaction to the kinda punked out version of this Christmas classic. His exact words were "I bet the guy who wrote this song is rolling over in his grave right now." I think then my response was "whatever Dad, you just don't get it"...but now that I'm thinking about it a bit more, I should have said something like "Why? Because the song he composed is still being played? Because it's been re-vamped to reach a different kind of audience?" But my dad probably wouldn't have appreciated the sassy manner with which the following comment would have likely been delievered.
But seriously, I think he (who I just found out is named Edward Shippen Barnes thanks to Google) would be glad that the song he wrote about Jesus' birthday found a way to stay relevant. You really don't see many musical groups trying to rock out 'Twas in the Moon of Wintertime' or 'O Savior, Rend the Heavens Wide' or some other Christmas song that I would have never heard of if I hadn't opened the LBW I keep in my office to the Christmas hymn section...
that's all I'm sayin',

On my own

Sometimes I wish I had someone to me take care of me. Some days I just don't want to come home to any empty apartment.
Tonight the adult fellowship committee was caroling, and I was asked to bring Spark (our elementary ministry) along. One of the moms suggested a Christmas craft, so I told her I'd pick up the beads and pipe cleaners and she'd bring her little darling (who, a couple weeks ago, decided that it would be a good idea to draw people drowning when we drew pictures of Noah's Ark). We started at 4, did our little ornament craft, sang to some shut-in members of our congregation and came back. The grown-ups enjoyed a baked potato bar and I decorated cookies with the kiddies. It wasn't until afterwords, the woman who helps me with the children's ministry told me that this woman had told her that she was upset that we did the craft she had suggested before caroling up in the youth room instead of after caroling down in the social hall.
I think what bothers me the most is that this woman didn't tell me how she felt, but rather sent a messenger in her stead. We're not in high school anymore...you can tell me yourself if you think pipe cleaner ornaments are cooler than decorating gingerbread cookies (or, in the case of this woman's son...gingerbread headless zombies with blood spurting out their necks).
I think what bothered her the most was that the craft she suggested was done as a 'Spark' activity and not part of the AFC thing. I'm sorry, I don't want to seem rude, but I am not a babysitter...if you want to do something as part of YOUR activity then YOU can plan it. I'm not there to keep the kids at your event occupied while the grown-ups do their thang! I am not part of AFC, I am in charge of youth and youth activities. If you want to have a child activity as a component of YOUR event, I will come, I will participate, but if you give it to me to plan and it doesn't happen where when and how you want it to, don't get offended. I am not the youth chair on YOUR committee...while I am open to suggestions, I am just doing my job as the youth director of our CHURCH. Not your personal children's activities co-ordinator.
Sorry about that rant, I just don't have anyone to come home to so, even though I'd like to, I can't unload this on an actual human being.
I'll probably delete this post tomorrow because I'm sure once I'm not so upset anymore I'll feel guilty about posting this (even though nobody really reads this and I didn't use names)

I need a hero

or maybe just a plumber.
I was taking a shower a few days ago (well I took one today too, but this thought struck me Wednesday) and my shower head was acting weird. I was going to blog about it that morning, but then I lost my blog...and then after rebuilding it, I lost my motivation. However, my shower this morning got me going again. When I moved in to my apartment I took baths for a few weeks because I didn't have a shower curtain, and then after limbo-ing through my first shower (and 5'8" is not that tall, mind you) I got one of those adjustable shower heads and I installed it myself (while this may sound impressive, putting in the tension rod was a lot more complicated and slapstick-ish.) Aaanyway...I was in the shower, and not only is there a delightful stream of hot water sprinkling out of shower head with the perfect level of water pressure, but there was also this waterfall-type dribble leaking out from the twisty thing where you pick what kind of stream you want from the shower head. The leak isn't coming from anywhere that the shower head connects to the water source, I righty tightied the heck out of that thing when I was putting it in. So I'm confused, and would really just like this problem to go away.
In other news that is in every way, shape and form unrelated to that ^ ^
but one of my former bosses (ahem, a camp director) has taken it upon herself to find "someone" for me. When I told my mother about this diabolical plot her response was "I want to meet this woman, I think we'd get along!" Not only is it weird that some one who used to employ me is trying to set me up, but I also find it odd that my parents haven't met my 'camp parents'...

So much confusion in my life right now!! Geez!

Youth Workers Retreat

I had an amazing time this weekend at ECP. An entire weekend spent with friends, in worship, and learning to take care of my mind, body and soul. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've gotten to worship without having to be "on", and I was glad to have the opportunity this weekend to do so. It was very refreshing to get to take the time to go to one of the places I consider home and to be with some of the people I consider family.
"Self Care" was the theme of the retreat, and it's one of those things that I've never been good at. I know I've said I'm selfish, and I am. I get caught up in myself and my own thoughts, but that's not the same as taking care of myself. In fact, I spend a lot of time and effort taking care of other people. Not only because my job involves look after the well-being of others, but also because I don't have many people in my life and I feel that if I take care of them, I won't lose their friendship. I do have to admit that having the retreat at ECP was a blessing and a 'curse', especially given the theme of the retreat. I absolutely love it there...but for some reason, I can't not work at camp. I need to take care of things and I need to take care of people, and it's very hard for me to be a 'guest' at El Camino Pines. Still, the retreat was just what I needed.
The weekend was full of good company, prayers, friends, beer, worship, wine, games, dance parties and the rare chance to be around peers.
Then there was this morning's worship service. Which was great. But difficult.
The sermon had to have been especially for me. Pastor Catie said everything I needed, but nothing I actually wanted to hear. Sometimes it's hard to listen to exactly what you need to hear.
It's even harder when you're hearing the words out of your own mouth. I was asked to read the 'prayers of intercession' and every single prayer I read could have been written by my own heart. Offering God our imperfections, giving God our worries and the real clincher: asking God to save us from our cynicism. Crap.
Cynicism is what I do to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's my shield. My way of coping with things I don't want to face. Which is most of my life right now.
There is a certain 'situation' that I am particularly unwilling to face, and unfortunately it's becoming more and more inevitable. I have been praying for clarity, and of course there have been so many indications, especially this past weekend, that I need to face this situation head on with maturity instead of avoiding it and being sarcastic. Even driving home from the retreat I was slapped not only with the RK song "I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" but also by the lyrics of Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes song 'Poison Ivy'..."it's all a big 'what if', what if I'd spoken up for what I wanted". Things don't happen if you don't act to make them happen. (But I'm still asking myself what I want to happen).
Then there was this picture that greeted me after I checked my 'google reader' to catch up after the weekend:
OK, OK, OK...I know that getting this off my chest is probably the healthy thing to do, but no matter the result (and I'm unclear what kind of result I'm looking for), things would change, a change I'm not sure I'm ready for. For lack of a stronger word. Crap. Crap. Crap.

Perspective

Along with foresight, perspective is one of my biggest 'growing spots'. This leads to poor decision making and selfishness.
Much like a friend of mine who melodramatically exclaims that his "life is over!!" every time something doesn't go his way, I tend to get worked up over the little things that don't really matter in the grand scheme. For instance, I get pretty upset when ever I lose my chapstick (which happens approximately 52 times a day). A few days ago, my blow drier stopped working. I tried it in several different outlets and pushed the reset button over and over. I figured going to work with wet hair was the 'worst thing ever'. But it's not. Going to work with wet hair is far from the 'worst thing ever'. First of all I have a job to go to. I have an apartment with running water (hot water no-less). I am so lucky...beyond that, I am incredibly blessed. I take so much for granted, hot water, electricity, a job (that I actually like), a roof over my head, parents who love the bejeesus out of me.
It's unfortunate that it takes tragedy to strike for me to find some perspective in my life. About a week ago one of my best friends lost her mother. Perspective.
Here I was whining about a broken blow dryer, when this girl is mourning her mother. I can't even fathom what that would be like to lose my mother. A tube of chapstick, a blow dryer, that's nothing. They're nothing, they're plastic...but family is irreplaceable.
I wish I could be one of those mature people who doesn't need tragedy to slap me into focus. I'm sorry that I'm so selfish I don't even realize I'm being selfish.