Which came first?

I am bitter and cynical. I have been for quite a while, and the thing is...you would never guess that about me. Because I'm also a happy person. I have a cheerful personality, I like Disney movies and musicals, and I love to laugh with my friends; but I don't think a person can be completely, utterly, chronically and irreversibly single for nearly 5 years without growing bitter and cynical.
But...am I bitter and cynical because I'm single? Or am I single because I'm bitter and cynical
Who knows?!

This is my life

I just had one of the biggest 'yup, this is my life' moments.
I'm sitting on the ground gluing 25 'Lord's Prayers' to 25 3x5 pieces of construction paper and I have to get them done for my children's message tomorrow at church...I just finished and now I have to go and get ready for a wedding tonight. Ah--the glamorous-ness of me!! That, and it's going to take me the next two hours to transform from youth director to wedding guest...meaning I have to do my hair and make-up and put on a dress. In short, I have to be a grown-up. It'll be nice to play grow-up for the night though.
A little over a week ago, I chopped about two inches of my hair off...I think now that I'm almost half-way into my twenties, I need to start owning up to this whole 'adulthood' thing...I mean, I have a grown-up apartment, I drive a grown-up car and now I have a grow-up haircut...I guess it's official...I'm a grown-up

Frightening!

"Try on time is over, Ned"

Since I don't have cable in my new place yet, I've been watching my 'Smallville' DVDs...(only the first 4 seasons, before that show became 'the thing that needs to die'). I used to be super obsessed with that show--mostly because of Tom Welling, I'm sure--but I liked other things about it too. I had forgotten how much I liked that show, specifically the character of Chloe Sullivan. Chloe is the Olive Snook to Clark Kent's Ned.
Which brings me to the subject of this post--the 'maybe friend'. Chloe and Olive are 'maybe friends' to Clark and Ned respectively. That is to say if Lana Lang and Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles weren't in the picture they'd maybe have a chance with the guys they are pining over. The complication comes from the fact that these ladies are good friends with the objects of their affection, and when you're friends with someone it makes them that much harder to get over.
Sometimes I feel like I'm Jon's 'maybe friend'. I mean, we are good friends...and there are times where I feel like maybe if there wasn't a 'Mandy'...or I'm delusional.
Also, I said I wasn't going to blog about him anymore, but I fail...a lot

Sin(gle) City

I just got back from a bachelorette party in Vegas! Yeah, I know.
It wasn't really my style, but I wasn't the bride (obvi). One of my roommates from college is marrying another friend from college in just under a week, and so we celebrated her almost-not-single-anymore-hood. It was fun, we road-tripped over and stayed at the Flamingo. Hung out by the pool (lifeguards!!) then got gussied up and headed out for the night. We had a nice dinner, saw some hot Aussies and then got wrist-banded to get in to a club for free (I enjoy being a girl?) Dancing, dancing, dancing...then bride-friend introduces me to some guy who was talking to her. He was good-looking and we talked for a minute or two, but it didn't really get anywhere.
Now, I was excited about this trip, I brought a new green dress and wore my sexy black-patent heels. I felt pretty, and even though I new nothing could or would or should happen (because I'm not that girl) but, I thought that maybe I could even get hit on. And now there is this guy who is very not un-attractive. (Not my type, but not un-attractive)...and I lost it a little bit. There was no visible problem in this situation...but there was a problem. One that I didn't know existed until that moment...
He wasn't Jon.
How much longer is this going to go on? I can't keep letting my hang-up on that boy get in my way, but I don't know how to quit him.
salkjdhfalfdadf...I'm just so frustrated (mostly with myself)

vacay

Just got back from vacation with the 'rents. My mom's side of the family has a coast house in Gualala (two hours north of San Fransisco) and my grandpa, great-uncle and great-grandfather actually built it, which is cool. There is no TV, so I got to read my book and do some jig-saw puzzles. It was very relaxing to just hang out and kick back with a glass of wine and not have to answer any email. My mom even let up with the nagging, which was nice. We went up to Port Arena and visited a lighthouse, which sounds boring...and it was mostly a lot of stairs. But the docent at the top was worth the 142 steps it took to get there. Then comes the part where I have the following conversation:
Me-'Did you major in, like, lighthouse-ology in college or something? You know a lot about lighthouses'
Lighthouse Guy-'yes I did...lighthouse-ology is a fascinating subject'
Me-'Sweet! I'm 24 and on vacation with my parents, wanna make out in the beacon tower?'
Then the cute lighthouse guy proceeds to explain why it would be inappropriate to make-out in the the beacon tower, and (having been a lighthouse-ology major in college) he explains the proper use of the beacon tower, and why it is not intended to make-out in.
Okay, that didn't happen. Because I was on vacation with my parents. And I didn't even have the guts to talk to the cute lighthouse-ologist.

Then, as we were driving home today, my inner angsty teenager came out because my iPod battery died and my dad made us go to a lame train museum.

Misc.

I'm at my parents house because I'm on 'vacation' this week. I'm not going to take a week off and sit in my apartment, and if I didn't have anywhere to go I wouldn't have taken a vacation at all. Tomorrow we're leaving for the Northern Cali cost, which should be interesting to say the least.
Since all my furniture is now in my own apartment, my room here is just an empty teal box...it's sad. Also, it means I have to sleep in my sister's room and I officially don't live here anymore, which is weird.
I was rumaging through my closet, though, looking for some old pictures (since one of me and a friend circa 1997 just surfaced, I was wondering what other gems I could find), and I came across the bridesmaid dress I wore in my friend's wedding two years ago. Naturally I had to try it on. It still fits (well, it still zips)...and I've been wearing it around the house for the past 15 minutes.
Yeah, I'm 24 and I'm playing dress-up. But I paid $170 for this dress, and I only got to wear it once, and it's pretty.
It's ice blue, strappless, tea length and has exposed tulle at the bottom with some pretty ribbon deatail. It makes me feel like a real girl.
I don't feel like a real girl very often, it's not that I'm not feminine enough, I guess...but I tend to act a little bit more cynical when I talk to guys than I should be. Especially last week at camp. Now, I love my camp friends dearly...and some of this can be blamed on a camp wardrobe that consists entirely of cut offs and tank tops...but I just spent a week not feeling the least bit like a girl. A female, yes...but an actual lady? Notsomuch. So today I wore a skirt and heals to church, make-up, hair the whole schpiel, and it helped...but putting on this dress makes me feel like a real lady.

Now, if you'll exuse me...I have to get ready to take a trip with my mommy and daddy tomorrow, and it's almost past my bed time.

Forget and Not Slow Down

...is the album I've been listening to pretty much non-stop lately. It was written as a 'break-up album', and although you can't break up with someone you were never dating...the lyrics still fit pretty well--lyrics like 'if you close your eyes and listen close/ you can hear the chapter close' and 'when the nightmare finally does unfold/ perspective is a lovely hand to hold' among others. It has been really helpful to put things into perspective after last week's happenings with Jon. It hasn't been a good week...and I wish I could 'forget and not slow down' like the title track suggests, but it's not that easy. I really am trying.
Next week I should be able to get my mind off of things for a little bit, since I get to go to camp...not just any camp, but El Camino Pines, which is the best camp ever. Mostly because that's where my friends all are, but it's also a beautiful site (and a beautiful sight).
Spending time at a place I love with people I think is going to be just what the doctor ordered! And the best part is, it's my JOB to be there.
For some reason the office manager/secretary at my church is baffled by this. She thinks I'm crazy...but part of my heart will ALWAYS belong to ECP