I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it

By nature, I'm not a big risk-taker. When it comes to making decisions that will impact my future, I will hem and haw and go back and forth. I don't gamble, mostly because change will somehow be involved. If there is something I want...I can either sit around and wait for it to happen to me (low-risk) or I can go after it (high-risk). If I sit around and wait, chances are I will never get to experience whatever it is that I'm waiting for...however, if I pursue it, things could go one of two ways:

a) I get what I'm hoping for! Things change for the better and I'm happy! (Unlikely)

b) I put myself out there for nothing. Things change for the worse, (and potentially get awkward) and I could end up worse off then I was before.

I have been known to tell my students after nap: "if you take too long to put your shoes on, you will miss out on story-time" and I feel like I need to start taking my own advice. If I take too long, if I don't take initiative, I will miss out on so much.

I wish I could just let go and let the dice decide...

Seriously. These are the things that keep me up at night.

Too much, too fast...

Anyone who knows me is all too familiar with my aversion to change. I'm Lutheran, I'm German (ish) and I am stubborn. I like things the way they are and if it's not broke don't fix it!

Today, the weather changed. Yesterday was winter, today was spring. It was too warm for January and I didn't like it. It's winter. It's supposed to be cold.

Today, Facebook changed. There was nothing wrong with the old profile (in fact there was nothing wrong with the old profile seven old profiles ago). I don't like the new one. It's lame. I miss the old one.

Today, my astrological sign changed. I've never bought in to the whole astrology thing. I mean, sometimes it's fun to read the horoscopes at the end of the day to see how wrong they were. But there is something to be said for the fact that I am (or was until they discovered this 'new sign') a Taurus. Aside from the fact that Taurus is a bull and bulls are stubborn, my sign means very little to me, but just for kicks I looked up on line what the traits of a Taurus were and the first thing that came up was "Change-Avoidant and Stubborn" well...okay, that's true.."Decadent and Self-Indulgent"...guilty...and finally "A Talent for Arts and Crafts" and it just got weird.

I lost where I was going with this, because it's getting to be past my bedtime, but in short...change is bad.

Youth Workers Retreat

I had an amazing time this weekend at ECP. An entire weekend spent with friends, in worship, and learning to take care of my mind, body and soul. Unfortunately, it's been a long time since I've gotten to worship without having to be "on", and I was glad to have the opportunity this weekend to do so. It was very refreshing to get to take the time to go to one of the places I consider home and to be with some of the people I consider family.
"Self Care" was the theme of the retreat, and it's one of those things that I've never been good at. I know I've said I'm selfish, and I am. I get caught up in myself and my own thoughts, but that's not the same as taking care of myself. In fact, I spend a lot of time and effort taking care of other people. Not only because my job involves look after the well-being of others, but also because I don't have many people in my life and I feel that if I take care of them, I won't lose their friendship. I do have to admit that having the retreat at ECP was a blessing and a 'curse', especially given the theme of the retreat. I absolutely love it there...but for some reason, I can't not work at camp. I need to take care of things and I need to take care of people, and it's very hard for me to be a 'guest' at El Camino Pines. Still, the retreat was just what I needed.
The weekend was full of good company, prayers, friends, beer, worship, wine, games, dance parties and the rare chance to be around peers.
Then there was this morning's worship service. Which was great. But difficult.
The sermon had to have been especially for me. Pastor Catie said everything I needed, but nothing I actually wanted to hear. Sometimes it's hard to listen to exactly what you need to hear.
It's even harder when you're hearing the words out of your own mouth. I was asked to read the 'prayers of intercession' and every single prayer I read could have been written by my own heart. Offering God our imperfections, giving God our worries and the real clincher: asking God to save us from our cynicism. Crap.
Cynicism is what I do to avoid uncomfortable situations. It's my shield. My way of coping with things I don't want to face. Which is most of my life right now.
There is a certain 'situation' that I am particularly unwilling to face, and unfortunately it's becoming more and more inevitable. I have been praying for clarity, and of course there have been so many indications, especially this past weekend, that I need to face this situation head on with maturity instead of avoiding it and being sarcastic. Even driving home from the retreat I was slapped not only with the RK song "I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for" but also by the lyrics of Matthew Thiessen and the Earthquakes song 'Poison Ivy'..."it's all a big 'what if', what if I'd spoken up for what I wanted". Things don't happen if you don't act to make them happen. (But I'm still asking myself what I want to happen).
Then there was this picture that greeted me after I checked my 'google reader' to catch up after the weekend:
OK, OK, OK...I know that getting this off my chest is probably the healthy thing to do, but no matter the result (and I'm unclear what kind of result I'm looking for), things would change, a change I'm not sure I'm ready for. For lack of a stronger word. Crap. Crap. Crap.